上篇 浪漫滿懷

1.A History Teacher

A history teacher and his wife were sitting at the table.

The wife asked."Anything new at work."

He replied."No, I am teaching history."

一位歷史老師

一位歷史老師和他的妻子在吃飯。

妻子問(wèn)到：“工作上有什么新鮮事。”

丈夫回答說(shuō)：“沒(méi)有，我是教歷史。”

2.Where Are the Alps

My husband was absorbed in his favorite TV program when our young son went to ask him about a homework problem."Dad,"he said."where are the Alps."

"Ask your mother,"came the reply."she puts everything away."

阿爾卑斯山在哪里

丈夫正聚精會(huì)神地看著他最喜愛(ài)的電視節(jié)目，這時(shí)我們的小兒子走過(guò)去問(wèn)他一道作業(yè)題。“爸。”他說(shuō)，“阿爾卑斯山在哪。”

“問(wèn)你媽媽。”他回答說(shuō)，“東西都是她收。”

3.Nearsightedness

A nearsighted man lost his hat in a strong wind. He gave chase. A woman screamed from a nearby farmhouse.

"What are you doing there."

"Getting my hat."he replied.

"Your hat."exclaimed the woman."That'.our little black hen you'.e chasing."

近視

一陣大風(fēng)把一個(gè)近視的男人帽子掀掉了。他拔腿追趕起來(lái)。一個(gè)女人在不遠(yuǎn)處的一座農(nóng)舍尖聲嚷道：“你在那里做什。”

“追我的帽子。”他回答說(shuō)。

“你的帽。”婦女尖叫道，“你追的是我們家的小黑母。”

4.What Is a Traitor

Young hopeful: Father, what is a traitor in politics？

Father（a veteran politician）: A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one.

Young hopeful: Well, then, what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours？

Father: A convertite, my son.

什么叫叛徒

有希望的青年人：父親，什么叫政治叛徒？

父親（一位老資格的政治家）：叛徒指的是離開(kāi)我們黨而加入到另一個(gè)黨的人。

有希望的青年人：那么，離開(kāi)他的黨而加入到你那個(gè)黨的人又叫什么呢？

父親：叫改變信仰者，我的兒子。

5.I Am Afraid of That Too

After some laborious hours at her painting, she rose and called her husband, a famous painter.

"Come and look at my picture, dear. I'.satisfied with the result that I'.afraid that people will mistake it for your work."

After a careful study of the painting, the artist replied."I'.afraid of that too."

我也擔(dān)心這個(gè)

連續(xù)幾個(gè)小時(shí)埋頭作畫(huà)之后，她起身對(duì)身為著名畫(huà)家的丈夫喊道：“親愛(ài)的，過(guò)來(lái)看看我這幅畫(huà)。我對(duì)這幅作品非常滿意，有點(diǎn)擔(dān)心別人會(huì)誤認(rèn)為是你的作。”

藝術(shù)家仔細(xì)看過(guò)妻子的畫(huà)后回答說(shuō)：“這個(gè)我也有點(diǎn)擔(dān)。”

6.Piano

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check‐in counter.

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to his wife."Why didn't you bring the piano too."

"Are you trying to be funny."she replied.

"No,"he sighed."I left the tickets on it."

鋼琴

搬運(yùn)工肩扛手提大箱小包，跟著一對(duì)夫婦去到航班登記處。

當(dāng)他們接近隊(duì)列時(shí)，丈夫朝一堆行李看了一眼，對(duì)妻子說(shuō)：“為什么沒(méi)把鋼琴也帶。”

“你是在開(kāi)玩笑。”她反問(wèn)道。

“。”他嘆道，“我把機(jī)票放在鋼琴上。”

7.Meeting My Wife

Two friends were having lunch at a cafe in New York'.Grand Central Terminal. They noticed a man sitting alone at an adjoining table. When the waitress approached him, they overheard her ask,"Are you waiting to be joined by a tall, slim girl with long, blond hair."

He answered."In the larger scheme of life, yes.But today I'.meeting my wife."

等我太太

兩個(gè)朋友在紐約市中心汽車(chē)站的咖啡廳共進(jìn)午餐，注意到有個(gè)男人獨(dú)坐在鄰桌。當(dāng)女服務(wù)員走過(guò)來(lái)時(shí)，兩個(gè)人聽(tīng)到她問(wèn)：

“你是在等一位身材細(xì)高、金發(fā)長(zhǎng)長(zhǎng)的女孩。”

那人回答說(shuō)：“從人生長(zhǎng)遠(yuǎn)計(jì)劃來(lái)說(shuō)，是這樣。但今天，我是在等我的太。”

8.Traffic Jam

On a beautiful October day, my husband and I were taking a drive through the Georgian mountains. When traffic slowed to a snail'.pace, we assumed there was road construction or on an accident ahead.

My husband reached for the CB radio and asked."Can anyone tell me when traffic returns to normal."

Came the reply."When the leaves are gone."

堵車(chē)事件

一個(gè)美麗的10月天，我和丈夫驅(qū)車(chē)穿過(guò)喬治亞山。當(dāng)車(chē)速減慢像蝸牛一樣爬行時(shí)，我們猜測(cè)到前面要么是正在修路，要么就是出了車(chē)禍。

丈夫伸手去拿對(duì)講機(jī)問(wèn)道：“誰(shuí)能告訴我什么時(shí)候交通能恢復(fù)正。”

對(duì)方回話說(shuō)：“樹(shù)葉掉光的時(shí)。”

9.I Beg Your Pardon

A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer."What a terrible voice."he said."Do you know who she is."

"Yes."was the answer."She is my wife."

"Oh, I beg your pardon."The man said."Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song."

"I did."was the answer.

請(qǐng)?jiān)?/p>

一位女士正在唱歌。一位客人轉(zhuǎn)身對(duì)他旁邊的男士批評(píng)這個(gè)唱歌的人。“多難聽(tīng)的嗓。”他說(shuō)，“你知道她是誰(shuí)。”

“知。”男士回答，“她是我太。”

“噢，請(qǐng)你原。”客人說(shuō)，“當(dāng)然，她的嗓音并不壞，但那歌實(shí)在太差了。我想知道那是誰(shuí)寫(xiě)的。”

“是。”男士回答道。

10.Want to Switch Seats

Having been married a long time, my husband sometimes needs a gentle reminder of a special occasion.

On the morning of our 25th anniversary, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I hinted."Honey, do you realize that we'.e been sitting in these same two seats for exactly 25 years."

Putting down the newspaper, he looked straight at me and said."So, you want to switch seats."

換位子

結(jié)婚已經(jīng)很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間了，丈夫有時(shí)需要稍微提醒才能想起某個(gè)特殊日子。

在結(jié)婚二十五周年紀(jì)念日的早上，我們坐在早餐桌旁。這時(shí)，我暗示說(shuō)：“親愛(ài)的，你有沒(méi)有意識(shí)到我們?cè)谶@兩個(gè)位子上已經(jīng)坐了整整二十五。”

他放下報(bào)紙，眼睛直視著我說(shuō)：“這么說(shuō)，你想換換位。”

11.Which Is Which

A few years ago, there were quite a number of hippies walking on the streets in America. One day, a man met up with two of them, one older and the other younger.

He said to the elder of the two."Pardon me. May I ask you a question？ Is this your son or daughter."

"This is my daughter."replied the senior hippie.

"I have another question."continued the curious stranger."Are you her father or her mother."

雌雄難辨

幾十年前，在美國(guó)的大街上可以看到很多嬉皮士。一天，一個(gè)人就遇到了兩個(gè)嬉皮士，一老一少。

他問(wèn)年長(zhǎng)的那個(gè)：“您好，能問(wèn)個(gè)問(wèn)題嗎？這是您兒子還是女兒。”

“這是我女。”年長(zhǎng)的嬉皮士回答說(shuō)。

“我還有一個(gè)問(wèn)。”這個(gè)人好奇地追問(wèn)道，“那么你是她爸爸，還是她媽。”

12.Gift

Sam had always been a good husband and a wonderful provider.

Every anniversary he gave his wife Helen a gift, but it was always practical: shoes, stockings, a lamp, a vase—never anything sentimental.

Now, after being married for forty years, Sam had made a lot of money, and Helen felt he could afford something nice like a mink coat. But this year, again being practical, he bought her a cemetery and a beautiful coffin.

禮物

薩姆是一位好丈夫，非常善于賺錢(qián)養(yǎng)家。

每年的結(jié)婚紀(jì)念日，他都要送給妻子海倫一件禮物，禮物總是非常實(shí)用：一雙鞋子、一雙襪子、一盞燈、一只花瓶——從來(lái)沒(méi)送過(guò)浪漫花哨的禮物。

如今，結(jié)婚四十年后，薩姆已經(jīng)腰纏萬(wàn)貫，海倫覺(jué)得現(xiàn)在他可以買(mǎi)得起一些像貂皮大衣那樣的漂亮禮物了。但今年的禮物還是非常實(shí)用：他給她買(mǎi)了一塊墓地和一副漂亮棺材。

13.Middle‐aged Woman

It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City'.Grand Central Terminal. As I neared the gate, a plump, middle‐aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes.

Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said."Do you always have beautiful women falling at your feet."

中年婦女

上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約中心站去趕一趟火車(chē)。接近門(mén)口時(shí)，一個(gè)肥胖的中年婦女從后面沖過(guò)來(lái)，沒(méi)想到在平滑的大理石地面上失足仰面滑倒。慣性使她滑到了我的腳邊。

我正準(zhǔn)備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來(lái)。她鎮(zhèn)定了一下，對(duì)我擠了一下眼，說(shuō)：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在你腳下。”

14.Swimming Pool

After a 12‐hour drive to our honeymoon destination, Diana Beach, my husband and I decided to refresh ourselves with a dip in the motel pool.

Later we dressed for dinner and went down to the motel restaurant. Waiting for a table, we sat in the lounge and ordered drinks. Above the bar was a huge, empty, glistening tank.

Curious, my husband asked."Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty."

The bartender grinned from ear to ear as he replied."That'.not a fish tank. It'.swimming pool."

游泳池

經(jīng)過(guò)12小時(shí)驅(qū)車(chē)旅行后，我們到達(dá)了度蜜月的目的地——戴安娜海灘。我和丈夫決定到汽車(chē)旅館的游泳池里泡上一陣，消除一下疲勞。

隨后，我們穿上衣服，下到汽車(chē)旅館的餐廳準(zhǔn)備吃飯。我們坐在那里的一張桌邊要了飲料。酒吧上方有一個(gè)碩大無(wú)比、閃閃發(fā)光的空池。

我的丈夫感到好奇，就問(wèn)道：“為什么這樣漂亮的魚(yú)缸是空。”

酒吧招待咧嘴笑著回答說(shuō)：“那不是魚(yú)缸，是游泳。”

15.Old Habit

Dad is from the old school, where you keep your money under the mattress—only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad all unusual personal safe—A can of spray paint with a false bottom so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it.

"Oh, yes."she replied."he put his money in it the same day."

"No burglar would think to look on the work shelf."I gloated.

"They won't have to."my mom replied."He keeps the paint can in his underwear drawer."

老習(xí)慣

我父親是很守舊的人，舊時(shí)人們都把錢(qián)藏在床墊底下，只不過(guò)他把錢(qián)放在裝內(nèi)衣的抽屜里。一天我給他買(mǎi)了一個(gè)特別的私人保險(xiǎn)狗——一個(gè)噴漆罐，它的底是假的。這樣他就可以把錢(qián)放在工作的地方了。后來(lái)我問(wèn)母親父親有沒(méi)有用它。

“哦，用。”她回答說(shuō)，“他當(dāng)天就把錢(qián)放進(jìn)去。”

“小偷肯定不會(huì)去看工作架。”我得意洋洋地說(shuō)。

“他們根本沒(méi)必要去。”我母親回答說(shuō)，“你父親把噴漆罐放在了裝內(nèi)衣的抽屜里。”

16.Get the Cat Out First

"Doctor, doctor."said the panic‐stricken woman."My husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he'.swallowed a mouse! What shall I do."

"Quite simple."said the doctor calmly."You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband's mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite‐haul it out."

"Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'.l go round to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod's head."

"What do you want a cod's head for."

"Oh I forgot to tell gou, I'.e got to get the cat out first."

先把貓弄出來(lái)

“醫(yī)生，醫(yī)。”一位驚慌失措的婦女叫著，“我的丈夫張著嘴睡覺(jué)，把一只老鼠給吞下去了！我該怎么辦。”

“很簡(jiǎn)。”醫(yī)生冷靜地說(shuō)，“你把一小塊干酪系在繩子上，吊到你丈夫的嘴里。只要老鼠一咬，就把老鼠給拉出。”

“哦，我明白了。醫(yī)生，謝謝你。我立刻就去賣(mài)魚(yú)的那里弄一個(gè)魚(yú)。”

“魚(yú)頭有什么。”

“哦，我忘了跟你說(shuō)，我得先把貓弄出。”

17.So Am I

Frequent hand‐washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh Alaskan weather combined to give me very dry skin. One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with a pair of old white gloves.

As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room. Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and began putting it on."What are you doing."I asked.

"Well,"he replied."if you'.e going to be formal, so am I."

我也想這樣

身為一名醫(yī)藥技師，我在工作中需要頻繁洗手，加上阿拉斯加的惡劣天氣，使我的皮膚非常干燥。一天夜里，準(zhǔn)備睡覺(jué)時(shí)，我用凡士林油搓了搓手，并戴上一雙白色舊手套。

我坐在床上戴著手套讀書(shū)時(shí)，丈夫洗完澡，走了進(jìn)來(lái)。他擦干身子，走到壁櫥選了一條領(lǐng)帶，開(kāi)始打起了領(lǐng)帶。“你在干什。”我問(wèn)。

“。”他回答說(shuō)，“如果你想合乎禮儀，我也想這。”

18.Pick Out Your Husband

Seven men who were feeling no pain were staggering down the street about one in the morning. Laughing and singing loudly, they walked up to a two‐story home. One of them managed to make it to the door and pounded on the doorbell insistently. A light came on in an upstairs window.

The spokesman for the group yelled up."Is this where Mr. Tommy lives."

"Yes, it is. What do you want."

"Are you Mrs. Tommy."

"I am Mrs. Tommy. What do you want."

"Could you come down here and pick out Mr. Tommy so the rest of us can go home."

領(lǐng)回你丈夫

大約凌晨一點(diǎn)鐘，七個(gè)已經(jīng)神志不清的人在街上踉踉蹌蹌地走著。他們大聲地笑著、唱著，來(lái)到了一座兩層的樓門(mén)前。其中一個(gè)人費(fèi)力地走到門(mén)口，連續(xù)地按著門(mén)鈴。只見(jiàn)樓上有個(gè)窗戶(hù)的燈亮了。

這位代表大聲說(shuō)道：“湯米先生是住這兒。”

“是啊，你想干。”

“你是湯米太太。”

“我是啊，你想干。”

“你能下來(lái)一下，把你丈夫領(lǐng)回去嗎？我們好回家。”

19.Early Precaution

There was an American couple who had no children, so they wanted to adopt a child. Finally, an orphanage contacted them and said."We have a baby for adoption. It'.a Russian orphan."

The couple was delighted and went to bring the baby home.

On the way home, they stopped by a university to enroll in a Russian course.

"Why do you want to learn Russian？ The English that we speak is a very good language."the university secretary asked.

"Well, we just adopted a Russian baby. When he begins to speak Russian in a few years, we are afraid that we might not be able to understand him."the couple replied.

未雨綢繆

有一對(duì)美國(guó)夫婦沒(méi)有孩子，想領(lǐng)養(yǎng)個(gè)小孩。終于有一家孤兒院通知他們說(shuō)：“我們現(xiàn)在有一個(gè)嬰兒可以讓你們收養(yǎng)，是個(gè)俄國(guó)孤。”

他們很高興地去把嬰兒抱了回去。

在回家的路上，他們來(lái)到一所大學(xué)，想要報(bào)名學(xué)俄語(yǔ)。

學(xué)校里的秘書(shū)問(wèn)：“你們?yōu)槭裁匆獙W(xué)俄語(yǔ)呢？我們的英語(yǔ)是很好的語(yǔ)言。”

這對(duì)美國(guó)夫妻說(shuō)：“因?yàn)槲覀儎倓傤I(lǐng)養(yǎng)了一個(gè)俄國(guó)嬰兒，幾年后等他開(kāi)口講俄語(yǔ)時(shí)，我們怕聽(tīng)不。”

20.Strip Off and Streak

Two elderly women in a nursing home were interested in two elderly gentlemen, living in the same home, but try as they might, they couldn't get attention of the men. Then, one of the women had a brilliant idea."Why don't we strip off our clothes, and streak past them in the TV room."The second woman agreed that this might work.

The very next day, they mustered up their courage, took off their clothes, and ran past the two men as fast as they could, giggling all the way.

One man turned to the other and said."Joe, was that Mary that just ran past us."The other one said."I think so, but what the hell was she wearing."

The first one said."I don't know, but it sure needs ironing."

裸奔

一家養(yǎng)老院的兩個(gè)老婦人對(duì)同住在這里的兩個(gè)老紳士很感興趣。但是無(wú)論她們用什么方法，始終不能引起他們的注意。后來(lái)，其中的一個(gè)老婦人想出一個(gè)絕妙的主意：“我們何不脫光衣服，在電視室里從他們前面裸奔過(guò)去。”另一個(gè)老婦也認(rèn)為這個(gè)辦法有可能會(huì)管用。

第二天，她們鼓起全部勇氣，脫光了衣服，以最快的速度從那兩個(gè)老男人面前狂奔過(guò)去，一邊跑還一邊咯咯地笑著。

其中一個(gè)老男人轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)頭對(duì)另一個(gè)說(shuō)：“喬，剛才從我們面前跑過(guò)的是瑪麗。”另一個(gè)回答說(shuō)：“我想是的，但是她身上穿的是什么鬼東。”

第一個(gè)人說(shuō)：“不知道，但是那衣服肯定該熨一熨。”

21.Canadian Winter

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. Now the widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day her son came into her room holding a letter."I just got some news, Mom."he said."The govement has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They have decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think."

His mother said."Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters."

加拿大的冬天

有位老人居住在加拿大的一個(gè)小村莊里，這個(gè)村莊與美國(guó)的北達(dá)科他州邊境僅有幾碼的距離。很多年來(lái)美國(guó)和加拿大一直對(duì)這個(gè)地方的歸屬存有爭(zhēng)議。這個(gè)寡婦現(xiàn)在和她的兒子及三個(gè)孫子住在一起。

一天，老婦人的兒子手里拿著一封信走進(jìn)她的房間里。“媽媽?zhuān)覄倓偟弥粋€(gè)消。”他說(shuō)，“加拿大政府和北達(dá)科他州已經(jīng)達(dá)成協(xié)議，他們決定把我們這個(gè)地方劃給美國(guó)。而且我們有權(quán)利反對(duì)這個(gè)協(xié)議。您有什么看。”

他媽媽說(shuō)：“簽字，馬上打電話告訴他們，我們接受協(xié)議！我再也無(wú)法忍受這該死的冬天。”

22.Dropped a Piece of Candy

The show was on. It was a very exciting western with the hero fighting a group of horse thieves single‐handed. Bullets were flying in every direction.

An elderly lady suddenly exclaimed."Oh, my God."and bent down right and left, felling the floor with her hands."Excuse me...excuse...me."she kept repeating to the people sitting beside her."Excuse me, please. I'.e dropped a piece of candy I was chewing."

"A piece of candy."grunted an irritated man in the seat next to her."Why don't you sit still, granny. You certainly aren't going to pick it up and put it back in your mouth, are you."

"Oh, no."replied the old lady firmly.

"Then why bother."grumbled the impatient man.

"Because."said the old lady as she continued to fumble in the dark,"because my teeth are stuck in it."

掉了一塊糖

電影已經(jīng)開(kāi)演了，是一部激動(dòng)人心的美國(guó)西部片，主人公正單槍匹馬同一群竊馬賊打斗，子彈到處飛著。

一位上了年紀(jì)的婦女突然叫起來(lái)：“哎呀，我的上。”說(shuō)著就彎下腰去，一會(huì)兒朝左，一會(huì)兒朝右，用手摸著地板。“對(duì)不起，對(duì)不起。”她不斷地對(duì)坐在她身邊的觀眾說(shuō)，“實(shí)在對(duì)不起。我嘴里嚼的一塊糖掉。”

“一塊。”坐在旁邊座位上一位被她惹氣了的人不高興地說(shuō)，“您干嗎不好好地坐著。您總不會(huì)把糖揀起來(lái)再吃到嘴里去。”

“當(dāng)然不。”老太太堅(jiān)定地說(shuō)。

“那為什么找這個(gè)麻。”那不耐煩的人嘟噥說(shuō)。

“因?yàn)椤！崩咸贿吚^續(xù)在黑暗中用手瞎摸，一邊說(shuō)，“……因?yàn)槲业模伲┭例X粘在那糖上。”

23.The Secret

A man was telling one of his friends the secret of his contented married life."My wife makes all the small decisions,"he explained."and I make all the big ones, so we never interfere in each other'.business and never get annoyed with each other. We have no complaints and no arguments."

"That sounds reasonable."answered his friend."And what sort of decisions does your wife make."

"Well,"answered the man."she decides what jobs I apply for, what sort of house we live in, what furniture we have, where we go for our holidays and things like that."

His friend was surprised."Oh,"he replied."and what do you consider important decisions then."

"Well,"answered the man."I decide who should be the Prime Minister, whether we should increase our help to poor countries, what we should do about the atom bomb, and things like that."

秘訣

一個(gè)男人正在對(duì)朋友敘述他的幸福婚姻生活的秘訣。“我的妻子對(duì)所有的小事作決。”他解釋說(shuō)，“而我對(duì)所有的大事作決定。所以，我們誰(shuí)也不妨礙誰(shuí)，從不相互生氣。我們不抱怨，也不爭(zhēng)。”

“聽(tīng)起來(lái)有道。”他的朋友回答說(shuō)，“那你的妻子作哪些決。”

“。”那人說(shuō)，“她決定我申請(qǐng)什么工作、我們住什么房子、我們買(mǎi)什么家具、我們?nèi)ナ裁吹胤蕉燃俚取！?/p>

他的朋友非常吃驚。“。”他回答說(shuō)，“那你又作哪些重大決定。”

“。”那人答道，“我決定誰(shuí)應(yīng)該成為首相、我們是否對(duì)貧困國(guó)家增加援助、我們對(duì)原子彈應(yīng)該做些什么等。”

24.False Advertising

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was."When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant."She sat under an advertisement which rea."Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twin.", then she moved under one that read."Sloane Liniments Remove Swellin.". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which rea."William Stick Did The Tric.". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read."Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."

誤導(dǎo)廣告

一天，一位身孕好幾個(gè)月的少婦上了一輛公交車(chē)。這時(shí)她看到一個(gè)年輕人在沖她笑，想到自己挺著一個(gè)大肚子，感到受到了侮辱。于是她換了一個(gè)座位，但那個(gè)年輕人似乎更樂(lè)了。她又換了一個(gè)座位，當(dāng)她換到第四個(gè)座位的時(shí)候那個(gè)年輕人突然間哈哈大笑起來(lái)。這位少婦忍無(wú)可忍，結(jié)果她叫警察把他抓了起來(lái)。

當(dāng)他們對(duì)峙公堂的時(shí)候，法官問(wèn)那個(gè)年輕人為什么會(huì)有如此不禮貌的舉動(dòng)。那個(gè)年輕人說(shuō)：“這位婦人一上車(chē)我就注意到她已經(jīng)有了身孕。她坐在了一個(gè)廣告下面，這個(gè)廣告上寫(xiě)著‘金粉雙胞胎的時(shí)代就要來(lái)了’接著她又坐到另一個(gè)廣告下面，這則廣告上寫(xiě)著‘淑女香脂，有效消腫'.當(dāng)她坐在一個(gè)剃須刀廣告下面的時(shí)候我就更想笑了，這則廣告上寫(xiě)著‘威廉姆·迪克的杰作'.最后，當(dāng)她第四次換座位的時(shí)候我就再也控制不住自己了，因?yàn)槟莻€(gè)座位上面的廣告寫(xiě)著鄧洛普橡膠可以預(yù)防此類(lèi)事故。”

25.Expectant Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. A midwife arrived and proudly announced to the first man."Congratulations, sir. You'.e the father of twins."

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team."

Later the midwife came up and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

"Wow! That'.incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the midwife returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply."I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After this, ever one turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The midwife rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over."I should never have taken that job at 7 Up. I should never have taken that job at 7 Up. I should never have taken that job."

準(zhǔn)爸爸們

四位準(zhǔn)爸爸在明尼阿波利斯醫(yī)院的等候室等待妻子生產(chǎn)。一個(gè)助產(chǎn)士走過(guò)來(lái)，高興地對(duì)第一個(gè)男人說(shuō)道：“恭喜您，先生，您喜獲雙胞。”

“真是太巧了！我正好為明尼蘇達(dá)雙子棒球隊(duì)工。”

過(guò)了一會(huì)兒，那個(gè)助產(chǎn)士過(guò)來(lái)祝賀第二個(gè)男人得了三胞胎。

“哇！真是不可思議！我在3M公司工。”

一小時(shí)后，助產(chǎn)士又過(guò)來(lái)恭喜第三個(gè)男人得了四胞胎。這位父親吃驚得幾乎說(shuō)不出話來(lái)：“我簡(jiǎn)直不敢相信！我在四季酒店工。”

隨后，大家都轉(zhuǎn)向第四個(gè)男人，他已經(jīng)暈過(guò)去了，助產(chǎn)士趕緊沖到他身邊。當(dāng)他慢慢恢復(fù)了知覺(jué)，他們聽(tīng)到他一遍遍地嘟囔著：“我真不該在七喜公司工作，我真不該在七喜公司工作，我真不該。”

26.Not Here

Kathy and Polly were friends, but they liked playing tricks on each other.

One day, Kathy met Polly in the street.She said."Hi, Polly. It'.good to see you."

"How can you see me when I'.not here."Polly asked.

"What do you mean, you'.e not here."Kathy asked."Of course you'.e here."

"No. I'.not."Polly said."And I'.l bet you ten dollars that I can prove I'.not here."

"Alright,"said Kathy."ten dollars. Now prove you'.e not here."

"Easy."Polly said,"Am I in Hong Kong."

"No."said Kathy.

"Am I in London."

"No."said Kathy.

"If I'.not in Hong Kong and I'.not in London."Polly said,"then I must be somewhere else.Right."

"Right."said Kathy."You must be somewhere else."

"Exactly."said Polly."And if I'.somewhere else I can't be here, can I？ Ten dollars, please."

"That'.very clever, Polly,"Kathy said."but I can't give you ten dollars."

"Why not."asked Polly."We had a bet."

"Certainly we had a bet,"Kathy said."but how can I give you ten dollars if you'.e not here."

And with a laugh she walked away.

不在這里

凱斯和波麗是朋友，但她們總愛(ài)開(kāi)對(duì)方的玩笑。

一天凱斯在街上遇見(jiàn)了波麗，她說(shuō)：“嗨，波麗，很高興見(jiàn)到。”

“我不在這里，你怎么能看到我。”波麗說(shuō)。

“你說(shuō)你不在這里，這是什么意。”凱斯問(wèn)，“你當(dāng)然在這。”

“不，我不在這。”波麗說(shuō)，“我和你打10美元的賭，賭我能證明我不在這。”

“。”凱斯說(shuō)，“10美元。現(xiàn)在證明你不在這里。”

“這很容。”波麗說(shuō)，“我在香港。”

“不。”凱斯說(shuō)。

“我在倫敦。”

“不。”凱斯說(shuō)。

“如果我既不在香港也不在倫。”波麗說(shuō)，“那我一定在別的地方，對(duì)不。”

“。”凱斯說(shuō)，“你一定在別。”

“對(duì)。”波麗說(shuō)，“既然我在別處，那我一定不在這里，不是嗎？請(qǐng)給10美元。”

“真聰明，波。”凱斯說(shuō)，“但我不能給你10美。”

“為什么不。”波麗問(wèn)，“我們打過(guò)賭。”

“不錯(cuò)，我們打過(guò)。”凱斯說(shuō)，“但既然你不在這里，我怎么能給你10美元。”

說(shuō)完她笑著離開(kāi)了。

27.Man in the Closet

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her eight‐year‐old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says."It'.dark in here, isn't it."

"Yes, it is."the man replies."You wanna buy a baseball."the little boy asks.

"No, thanks."the man replies."I think you do want to buy a baseball."the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much."the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty‐five dollars."the little boy replies."Twenty‐five dollars."the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy."It'.dark in here, isn't it."the boy starts off."Yes it is."replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove."the little boy asks."OK. How much."the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage."Fifty dollars,"the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy'.father says."Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'.l play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them,"replies the little boy."How much did you get for them."asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy‐five dollars,"the little boy says."Seventy‐five dollars？! That'.thievery! I'.taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness."the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says."It'.dark in here, isn't it."

"Don't you start that shit in here now."the priest says.

櫥子里的男人

一位已婚婦女有了外遇，每次她的情人來(lái)了，她就把八歲大的兒子關(guān)在櫥子里頭。有一天，這位太太聽(tīng)見(jiàn)車(chē)道有車(chē)子的聲音，就把她的情人也關(guān)進(jìn)了櫥子里。

在櫥子里頭，小男孩說(shuō)：“這里頭真。”

“對(duì)。”這位男子回答。“想不想買(mǎi)個(gè)棒球。”小男孩問(wèn)道。

“不，謝。”男子回答說(shuō)。“我認(rèn)為你會(huì)想要買(mǎi)個(gè)棒球。”這個(gè)小勒索鬼接著說(shuō)。

男子衡量了一下自己的處境之后，回答說(shuō)：“好吧！多少。”

“25。”

“25。”男子驚訝地重復(fù)了一次，不過(guò)他還是收斂了一下，以免被發(fā)現(xiàn)。

接下來(lái)的那個(gè)星期，這位情人又來(lái)婦女的家，不久又聽(tīng)到車(chē)道有車(chē)子的聲音。婦女又一樣地把兒子和情人一起關(guān)在櫥子里。

“這里頭真。”小男孩又開(kāi)始了。

“對(duì)。”男子答道。

“想不想買(mǎi)個(gè)棒球套。”小男孩問(wèn)說(shuō)。

男子知道自己占下風(fēng)，就回答說(shuō)：“好吧！多少。”

“50。”小男孩答道。交易輕松地完成了。

到了周末，小男孩的父親說(shuō)：“嘿，兒子啊！去把你的棒球和球套拿來(lái)。咱們來(lái)玩接。”“不行啊，我把那些東西都賣(mài)。”小男孩回答說(shuō)。“你賣(mài)了多少錢(qián)。”父親心想可能兒子只是跟人家換了蜥蜴或糖果之類(lèi)的東西。

“75。”小男孩答道。

“75塊？簡(jiǎn)直是搶劫嘛！走，跟我到教堂去認(rèn)罪告。”父親拉著小男孩邊走教訓(xùn)他。

到了教堂，小男孩走進(jìn)告解室，拉上簾子，坐定之后說(shuō)：“這里頭真。”神父回答說(shuō)：“在這兒別想跟我來(lái)那一。”

中篇 颶瘋校園

1.The Plural

Teacher: What'.the plural of man, Jack？

Jack: Men.

Teacher: Good. And the plural of child？

TJack: Twins.

復(fù)數(shù)形式

老師：“杰克，‘男人'.復(fù)數(shù)形式是什。”

杰克：“男人。”

老師：“好。那‘孩子'.復(fù)數(shù)形式。”

杰克：“雙胞。”

2.The Difference

Teacher: What'.the difference between electricity and lightning？

Students: You don't have to pay for lightning.

區(qū)別

老師：“電和閃電有什么區(qū)。”

學(xué)生：“閃電不用花。”

3.The Correct Answer

Teacher."Tom, what are the three words which pupils use most often at school."

Tom."I don't know."

Teacher."Correct."

正確答案

老師：“湯姆，學(xué)生們?cè)趯W(xué)校最常用的三個(gè)字是什。”

湯姆：“不知道。”

老師：“正。”

4.The Lighting

Teacher: Why is it said that lightning never strikes the same place twice？

Roy: Because after it'.struck once the same place isn't exist.

閃電

老師：“為什么閃電從來(lái)不會(huì)兩次擊中同一地。”

羅伊：“因?yàn)樗鼡糁幸粋€(gè)地方一次后，那個(gè)地方就不復(fù)存在。”

5.Does the Question Beat You

Teacher: Why don't you answer my question, Jenny？ Does my question beat you？

Jenny: Oh no, I understand your question.It is the answer that beats me.

問(wèn)題難住你了嗎

老師：“詹妮，你為什么不回答我的問(wèn)題？是我的問(wèn)題把你難住了。”

詹妮：“噢，不是，我明白你的問(wèn)題。是問(wèn)題的答案難住了。”

6.Make Mistakes Repeatdly

Teacher: You should learn your lessons from your mistake.

Student: I know that.

Teacher: Why do you make mistakes repeatedly？

Student: I do in this way to learn more lessons.

屢次犯錯(cuò)

老師：“你應(yīng)該從錯(cuò)誤中吸取教。”

學(xué)生：“這我知。”

老師：“你為什么屢次再犯。”

學(xué)生：“我是為了吸取更多教。”

7.An Essential Correction

Teacher: Abie, why don't you wash your face？ I can see what you had for breakfast this morning.

Abie: What was it？

Teacher: Eggs.

Abie: Wrong, sir.That was yesterday.

實(shí)質(zhì)性的糾正

教師：“阿比，你為什么不洗臉？我都可以看得出你今天早上吃了什么。”

阿比：“我吃了什。”

教師：“雞。”

阿比：“錯(cuò)了，老師，那是昨天吃。”

8.Great Event

Teacher: What great event happened in 1809？

Horace: Abraham Lincoln was born.

Teacher: Correct, And what great event happened in 1812？

Horace: Abraham Lincoln had his third birthday.

大事件

老師：“1809年發(fā)生了什么大。”

霍拉斯：“亞伯拉罕·林肯出。”

老師：“對(duì)。那1812年發(fā)生了什么大。”

霍拉斯：“亞伯拉罕·林肯過(guò)三歲生。”

9.A Physics Exam

Once in a physics exam, White finished the first question very

soon while his classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was."When it thunders why do you see the

lightning first, then hear the thunder rolls."

White'.answer was."Because our eyes are before ears."

物理考試

在一次物理考試中，當(dāng)同學(xué)們都在苦思冥想時(shí)，懷特很快就

答好了第一個(gè)問(wèn)題。

這個(gè)問(wèn)題是：“為什么打雷時(shí)，我們總是先看到閃電，后聽(tīng)到雷。”

懷特的回答是：“因?yàn)槲覀兊难劬υ谇埃湓凇！?/p>

10.The Motto

Teacher: My children, remember this motto."Give others more and leave for yourself less."

Frank: It'.my father'.motto.

Teacher: How noble your father'.quality is!What'.his occupation？

Frank: He is a boxer.

座右銘

老師：孩子們，記住這句座右銘：‘給予別人的要多，留給自己的要少。’

弗蘭克：“這是我爸爸的座右。”

老師：“你爸爸的品質(zhì)是多么高尚！他的職業(yè)是什。”

弗蘭克：“他是一名拳擊。”

11.The Longest And The Shortest

A teacher asked one of his students."What'.the longest and what'.the shortest."

One student answered immediately."The last minutes of a class is the longest while the last minutes of all exam is the shortest."

最長(zhǎng)和最短

老師問(wèn)他的一個(gè)學(xué)生：“什么最長(zhǎng)，什么最。”

一個(gè)學(xué)生馬上答道：“下課前的最后幾分鐘最長(zhǎng)，考試結(jié)束前的最后幾分鐘最。”

12.The Earth'.Shape

"What'.the shape of the earth."asked the teacher of Jim.

Jimy said."It is round."

"How do you know it is round, Jim."

Jim replied."All right, it'.square. I don't want to start an argument about it."

地球的形狀

“地球是什么形。”吉姆的老師問(wèn)道。

吉姆回答說(shuō)：“是圓。”

“你怎么知道是圓的，吉。”

吉姆回答說(shuō)：“好吧，是方的。我不想就此引起爭(zhēng)。”

13.Can't Go

The Sunday‐school'.eacher: Those who want to go to heaven put up your hands. What about you, Brown？You haven't put up your hand‐won't you go to heaven？

Brown: I can't, because my mother wants me to go home as soon as the class is over.

不能去

主日學(xué)校教師：“想去天堂的舉起手。你呢，布朗？你還沒(méi)舉手——你不愿去天堂。”

布朗：“我不能去，因?yàn)閶寢屢乙环艑W(xué)就回。”

14.Make‐up

In class Melissa was looking at a small mirror while combing her hairs and doing her make‐up. The teacher noticed and commented,"You shouldn't do your make‐up while listening to class."

Replied Melissa."But I'.not listening while doing my make‐up."

化妝

課堂內(nèi)，梅莉莎對(duì)著一個(gè)小鏡子梳頭發(fā)、化妝。老師發(fā)現(xiàn)了，說(shuō)：“你不應(yīng)該聽(tīng)課時(shí)化。”

梅莉莎回答說(shuō)：“可我化妝時(shí)沒(méi)聽(tīng)課。”

15.What'.the Biggest in the World

Sal dozed off while his teacher was talking.

Teacher: Sal! Tell us, what'.the biggest in the world？

Sal: Well, well...eyelids...

Teacher: What？ Eyelids？

Sal: Yes, sir. Because as soon as I shut my eyes, the eyelids cover everything of the world.

世界上什么最大

老師正在講課時(shí)，薩爾打起了瞌睡。

老師：“薩爾！你說(shuō)說(shuō)，世界上什么最。”

薩爾：“呃，呃……眼皮。”

老師：“什么？眼。”

薩爾：“是的，老師。因?yàn)槲乙婚]眼，眼皮就把世界上的一切都遮住。”

16.A Physics Exam

Once in a physics exam, Dick finished the first question very soon while his classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was."When it thunders why do you see the lightning first, then hear the thunder rolls."

Dick'.answer was."Because our eyes are before ears."

物理考試

在一次物理考試中，當(dāng)同學(xué)們都在苦思冥想時(shí)，迪克很快就答好了第一個(gè)問(wèn)題。

這個(gè)問(wèn)題是：“為什么打雷時(shí)，我們總是先看到閃電，后聽(tīng)到雷。”

迪克的回答是：“因?yàn)槲覀兊难劬υ谇埃湓凇！?/p>

17.The Answer

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which？

Student: I cannot point out, but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

答案

老師：“這里有兩只鳥(niǎo)，一只是燕子，另一只是麻雀。現(xiàn)在，誰(shuí)能告訴我們哪只是燕子、哪只是麻。”

學(xué)生：“我指不出來(lái)，但我知道答。”

老師：“請(qǐng)告訴我。”

學(xué)生：“麻雀旁邊的是燕子，燕子旁邊的是麻。”

18.You Are Stupid

A new teacher is trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She starts her class by saying."Everyone who thinks you'.e stupid, stand up."

After a few seconds, little Angus stood up.

The new teacher asked."Do you think you'.e stupid, Angus."

"No, madam,"he says."but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

你太愚蠢了

一位新老師想運(yùn)用一下她的心理學(xué)知識(shí)。

她在剛上課時(shí)這樣說(shuō)道：“認(rèn)為自己愚蠢的同學(xué)請(qǐng)起。”

過(guò)了幾分鐘，小安格斯站了起來(lái)。

新老師問(wèn)題道：“安格斯，你覺(jué)得自己愚蠢。”

“不是的，老。”他說(shuō)，“我只是不想讓你一個(gè)人一直站著罷。”

19.Nest and Hair

My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.

"What kind of bird."my sister asked.

"I didn't see the bird, ma'.m, only the nest."replied the child.

"Then,can you give us a description of the nest."my sister encouraged her.

"Well, ma'.m, it just resembles your hair."

鳥(niǎo)窩與頭發(fā)

我姐姐是一位小學(xué)老師。一次一個(gè)學(xué)生告訴她說(shuō)一只鳥(niǎo)兒在教室外的樹(shù)上搭了個(gè)窩。

“是什么鳥(niǎo)。”我姐姐問(wèn)她。

“我沒(méi)看到鳥(niǎo)兒，老師，只看到鳥(niǎo)。”那孩子回答說(shuō)。

“那么，你能給我們描述一下這個(gè)鳥(niǎo)窩。”我姐姐鼓勵(lì)她道。

“哦，老師，就像你的頭發(fā)一。”

20.Your Coat Is on Fire

The master, to impress on his pupils the need of thinking before speaking, told them to count fifty before saying anything important, and one hundred if it was very important.

The next day he was speaking, standing with his back to the fire, when he noticed several lips moving rapidly. Suddenly the whole class shouted:

"Ninety‐eight, ninety‐nine, a hundred. Your coat is on fire, sir."

您的大衣著火了

老師為了讓學(xué)生記住先思考后發(fā)言的必要性，告訴他們?cè)谡f(shuō)出重要事情之前先數(shù)到50。如果是特別重要的事情，要先數(shù)到100。

第二天，當(dāng)老師背靠著火爐講課時(shí)，發(fā)現(xiàn)好幾個(gè)學(xué)生的嘴唇在很快地不停地動(dòng)。突然，全班學(xué)生一起喊道：“98，99，100。老師，您的大衣著火。”

21.Alexander the Great

Tim had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation, and the doctor, somewhat nettled, said."Tim, you don't seem to be getting on very fast in this subiect. You seem to lack ambition. Why, at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world."

"Yes."said Tim."He couldn't help it, for you will recall the fact, doctor, that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher."

亞歷山大大帝

蒂姆作了一次不成功的朗誦，老師有點(diǎn)不悅，對(duì)他說(shuō)道：“蒂姆，你在這門(mén)課上好像進(jìn)步不大，你好像缺乏志向。亞歷山大大帝在你這個(gè)年齡可已經(jīng)征服了半個(gè)世。”

“是。”蒂姆說(shuō)，“他沒(méi)法不那樣。博士先生，您回想一下史實(shí)，亞歷山大大帝有亞里士多德作他的老師。”

22.Rough Draft and Final Draft

As a writing teacher, I never could convince my students of the need to revise. For them, the first draft was the last draft.

Finally, I got through to a few of them by putting a large sign at my office door. It read：

"Well, it'.hard, you know. I can't figure out if I should kill myself or not, you know."Shakespeare'.Hamlet, Act III, Scene 1. Rough draft.

"To be or not to be, that is the question."Final draft.

草稿和終稿

作為一名寫(xiě)作老師，我從來(lái)都說(shuō)服不了學(xué)生，讓他們明白作文需要修改。對(duì)他們來(lái)說(shuō)，草稿就是終稿。

最后，我通過(guò)在辦公室門(mén)上掛了個(gè)大告示，才讓他們中的幾個(gè)人明白了我的意思。告示是這樣寫(xiě)的：

“是啊，這很難，你知道。我想不出我是應(yīng)該自殺還是不自殺，你知。”莎士比亞的《哈姆雷特》第三幕第一場(chǎng)。草稿。

“生存還是毀滅，這是個(gè)問(wèn)題。”終稿。

23.Go to Church and Go Fishing

A boy arrived late to his Sunday‐school class. He was always punctual, so the teacher asked if anything was wrong.

The boy admitted that he had planned to go fishing, but his father had told him he must go to church instead. Impressed, the teacher asked if the boy'.father had explained why it was more important for him to go to church than to go fishing.

"Yes."the youngster replied."He said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

做禮拜和釣魚(yú)

一個(gè)小男孩上主日課遲到了。他總是非常準(zhǔn)時(shí)，所以老師問(wèn)是不是出了什么問(wèn)題。

小男孩承認(rèn)說(shuō)，他本來(lái)計(jì)劃去釣魚(yú)，但他的父親卻讓他必須來(lái)做禮拜。老師深受感動(dòng)，就問(wèn)他的父親是不是解釋過(guò)為什么做禮拜比釣魚(yú)重要。

“解釋。”小男孩答道，“他說(shuō)他帶的魚(yú)餌不夠我們倆。”

24.How Much for a Season Pass

A new dorm rule was announced.

"The female dormitory will be out of bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students."

"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $30 the first time."

"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $6."

"Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions."

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires."Er...How much for a season pass."

辦一個(gè)季度通行證要多少錢(qián)

新的宿舍規(guī)則出臺(tái)了。

“女生宿舍男生謝絕入內(nèi)，同樣，男生宿舍也謝絕女生光。”

“凡有違反者，初犯將罰款30美。”

“再犯者將罰款60美。”

“第三次犯規(guī)將罰款180美元。有什么問(wèn)題。”

這時(shí)，人群中一個(gè)男生問(wèn)道：“呃……那么辦一個(gè)季度通行證要多少。”

25.An Imaginary Line

A schoolteacher asked the class."Can anyone tell me what equator is."

"Yes. I can."answered one boy."It'.an imaginary line drawn around the earth equally distant from the poles."

That sounded to her like a memorized definition."Do you really know what it means."she demanded."Could you, for example, tie a knot in the equator."

"Yes."he stated promptly.

"Could you, indeed."she asked.

But the bright pupil was not dismayed."An imaginary knot, teacher."he countered.

假想線

一名教師問(wèn)班里的學(xué)生：“誰(shuí)能告訴我赤道是什。”

“報(bào)告，我。”一個(gè)男生答道，“赤道是一條離兩極同樣遠(yuǎn)環(huán)繞地球的假想。”

她聽(tīng)這個(gè)男生像在背定義。“你真知道那是什么意思。”她問(wèn)道，“比如說(shuō)，你能在赤道上打個(gè)結(jié)。”

“。”他馬上答道。

“你真的能。”她反問(wèn)道。

但是，那個(gè)聰明學(xué)生并不驚慌，反駁說(shuō)：“老師，那是個(gè)假想。”

26.Brother in South America

Mr. William taught English at a school. At the beginning of his lesson, he liked to have one of his students give a report on any subject.

When it was Jack'.turn, he told his audience about his elder brother who was a local worker. But during the report, his eyes were staring at the world map on the wall all the time. Mr. William knew that Jack didn't look at the audience because he was nervous. He said to Jack."We can see you miss your brother very much. But is he OK now in South America."

南美洲的哥哥

威廉先生在一所學(xué)校教英語(yǔ)。每次開(kāi)始上課，他都喜歡叫一個(gè)學(xué)生上講臺(tái)演講，題材不限。

輪到杰克演講時(shí)，他向聽(tīng)眾講起了他在當(dāng)?shù)毓ぷ鞯母绺纭５谥v述過(guò)程中，杰克的眼睛一直盯著墻上的世界地圖。

威廉先生知道杰克是因?yàn)榫o張才不看聽(tīng)眾。他對(duì)杰克說(shuō)：“我們能看出你非常想念你的哥哥，他目前在南美洲還好。”

27.Evils of Liquor

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, Observe the worms closely."said the professor as he put the first worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about happy.Ａs the second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doom.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment."the professor asked. Little Ron, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded."Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

酒的危害

一名化學(xué)教授想要給五年級(jí)的學(xué)生上一堂關(guān)于酒的危害的課，于是他做了一個(gè)實(shí)驗(yàn)，拿了一杯水，一杯威士忌，還有兩只蟲(chóng)子。

“現(xiàn)在，同學(xué)們，仔細(xì)觀察這兩只蟲(chóng)。”教授一邊說(shuō)一邊將第一只蟲(chóng)子放進(jìn)水里。蟲(chóng)子在水里自由地翻滾，非常快樂(lè)自得。

他又把第二只蟲(chóng)子放進(jìn)威士忌里。它痛苦地扭動(dòng)著，很快沉到杯底，死了。

“現(xiàn)在，你們能從這次實(shí)驗(yàn)當(dāng)中得到什么結(jié)。”教授問(wèn)道。

坐在后面的小羅恩，舉起手來(lái)，自作聰明地回答道，“喝威士忌可以不長(zhǎng)。”

28.I Am the Goalie

Amy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help the students.

One day during recess, she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Amy approached and asked the girl if she was right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Amy noticed that the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Amy offered."Would you like me to be your friend."

The girl hesitated then said."OK."looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling that she was making progress Amy then asked."Why are you standing herself all alone？’

"Because,"the little girl said with great exasperation."I am the goalie."

我是守門(mén)員!

艾美開(kāi)始從事小學(xué)顧問(wèn)的工作，她很熱切地想盡職盡責(zé)幫助學(xué)生們。

一天課間休息時(shí)，一個(gè)女生獨(dú)自站在操場(chǎng)的一邊，而其他的孩子們都在另一邊盡情地踢足球。

艾美走近那個(gè)女生，關(guān)心地問(wèn)她是否還好。

那個(gè)女生說(shuō)她很好。

然而，過(guò)了一會(huì)兒，艾美發(fā)現(xiàn)那個(gè)女生依然站在剛才的位置，依然獨(dú)自一人。

艾美又走近那個(gè)女生，她主動(dòng)提出：“你希望我成為你的朋友。”

那女生猶豫了一下，用懷疑的眼神打量著眼前這個(gè)女人說(shuō)：“好。”

艾美感覺(jué)事情有了些進(jìn)展，就進(jìn)一步問(wèn)道：“你為什么總是獨(dú)自站在這兒。”

那個(gè)女生惱火地說(shuō)：“因?yàn)槲沂鞘亻T(mén)。”

29.Cut Again

A math teacher had been teaching his class all about fractions for the past week, and now he wanted to find out how much they had been able to remember, so he asked one of the boys in the class."If I cut a piece of meat into two pieces, what would I get."

"Halves."answered the student at once.

"Good."said the teacher."And if I cut each piece in half again."

"Fourths."answered the next student.

"And if I cut it again, John."the teacher went on.

"Eighths."answered John.

"Yes."said the teacher, nodding to the next boy."And again."

"Sixteenths."answered the student.

"Good."said the teacher."And once more, Lisa."

"Thirty‐seconds."answered Lisa after thinking for a few seconds.

"Yes, that'.right. And again."the teacher continued.

"Hamburger meat."answered the last student.

再切一次

有一名數(shù)學(xué)老師過(guò)去的一周都在教分?jǐn)?shù)。現(xiàn)在，他想知道學(xué)生能記得多少，所以他就問(wèn)班上的一個(gè)學(xué)生：“如果我把一塊肉切成兩片，我會(huì)得到多。”

“二分之。”學(xué)生馬上答道。

“。”老師說(shuō)，“如果我把每一片再切成一半。”

“四分之。”下一個(gè)學(xué)生回答說(shuō)。

“如果我再切一次呢，約。”老師接著問(wèn)道。

“八分之。”約翰回答說(shuō)。

“。”老師說(shuō)著，向另一個(gè)學(xué)生點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，“再切一次。”

“十六分之。”學(xué)生答道。

“。”老師說(shuō)，“再切一次呢，麗。”

“三十二分之。”麗莎想了一會(huì)兒答道。

“對(duì)，說(shuō)的對(duì)。那再切一次。”老師繼續(xù)問(wèn)道。

“碎。”最后一個(gè)學(xué)生答道。

下篇 百結(jié)家事

1.Millionaire

CEO: My wife made a millionaire out of me.

Assistant: What were you？

CEO: A multimillionaire.

百萬(wàn)富翁

主管人：我妻子讓我成為了百萬(wàn)富翁。

助手：以前你是什么？

主管人：千萬(wàn)富翁。

2.I'.Not Inquistive

"What! Another new dress？ How ever do you think I can find money to pay for it."

"Darling, you know I'.not inquisitive."

我不愛(ài)刨根問(wèn)底

“什么！又要買(mǎi)一件新衣服？你覺(jué)得我怎么去弄錢(qián)給你買(mǎi)衣。”

“親愛(ài)的，你知道我不愛(ài)刨根問(wèn)。”

3.That'.the One I Didn't Touch

—Did you eat all the cookies, Jimmy？

—Oh, mum, I didn't touch one.

—That'.strange. There'.only one left.

—That'.the one I didn't touch.

那塊就是我沒(méi)碰過(guò)的

——吉米，你把餅干都吃光了？

——哦，媽媽?zhuān)乙粔K都沒(méi)碰過(guò)。

——這就奇怪了，現(xiàn)在就剩下一塊了。

——那塊就是我沒(méi)碰過(guò)的。

4.Just Sew the Buttonhole

New Husband: Did you sew the button on my shirt, darling？

New Wife: No, dear. I couldn't find the button, so I just sewed up the buttonhole.

只縫上了扣眼兒

新婚丈夫：你給我把扣子縫好了嗎，親愛(ài)的？

新婚妻子：沒(méi)有，親愛(ài)的。我找不到扣子，所以我只把扣眼兒給縫上了。

5.Gives In

"The man who gives in when he is wrong,"said the street orator."is a wise man；but he who gives in when he right is.""Married."said a meek voice in the crowd.

讓步

“犯錯(cuò)誤時(shí)讓步的。”街頭演說(shuō)者說(shuō)，“是聰明人，但正確時(shí)也讓步的人是。”

“已婚。”人群中一個(gè)溫順的聲音說(shuō)。

6.I Didn't Notice It

Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Nasreddir, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that？

Nasreddir: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn't notice the other.

我沒(méi)看到它

媽媽?zhuān)耗纤範(fàn)柖。医裉煸缟显跈蛔永锓帕藘蓧K點(diǎn)心。現(xiàn)在就剩下一塊了。你能解釋一下嗎？

南斯?fàn)柖。亨牛蚁胧且驗(yàn)槔锩嫣谖覜](méi)看到另外那塊。

7.Apples and Oranges

Big brother: All right, I'.l help you with your homework. Now, if you have five apples and I take one away, how many would you have？

Little sister: I don't know. In my class we do arithmetic with oranges.

蘋(píng)果和桔子

哥哥：好吧，我?guī)湍阕瞿愕淖鳂I(yè)。現(xiàn)在，如果你有五個(gè)蘋(píng)果，我拿走了一個(gè)，你還剩幾個(gè)？

妹妹：我不知道。我們班里只用桔子做算術(shù)題。

8.Rest Your Eyes

I was sharing a park bench with a middle‐aged couple.

The wife was engrossed in one of several books she had with her, while the husband ogled passing pretty women.

"Dear."the wife suggested, offering one of her volumes,"why don't you read a book and rest your eyes."

讓眼睛休息一下

我和一對(duì)中年夫婦共坐一張公園長(zhǎng)椅。那位妻子專(zhuān)心致志地閱讀她隨身攜帶的書(shū)，她的丈夫則朝過(guò)往的漂亮女人拋媚眼。

“親愛(ài)。”那位妻子遞給丈夫一本書(shū)建議說(shuō)，“你何不看本書(shū)讓眼睛休息一下。”

9.Lost Weight

My husband, who is trying to lost weight, has a tendency to grab sweets when he'.bored. We devised a plan that whenever he'.tempted to cheat on his diet, he should think of me and how proud I am of him.

However, one night I overheard him tell friends."Whenever I get hungry, I think about my wife and immediately lose my appetite."

減肥

我的丈夫正在嘗試減肥，他厭煩時(shí)會(huì)抓起甜食就想吃。我們?cè)O(shè)計(jì)了一個(gè)方案，無(wú)論他什么時(shí)候想在節(jié)食上作弊，他都應(yīng)該想到我，而且想到我為他多么自豪。

然而，一天夜里，我聽(tīng)到他對(duì)朋友們說(shuō)：“我肚子餓的時(shí)候，我就想到我老婆，馬上就失去了胃。”

10.You Are Afraid of Mamma

"Papa, when you see a cow, aren't you afraid."

"Of course not, my boy."

"When you see a great big worm, aren't you afraid."

"No, of course not."

"When you see a horrid, monstrous bumblebee, aren't you afraid."

"No, certainly not."

"Aren't you afraid when it thunders and lightning."

"No, you fool."

"Papa, aren't you afraid of nothing in this world except mamma."

就怕媽媽

“爸爸，你看到一頭牛害不害。”

“當(dāng)然不怕，我的孩。”

“那你看見(jiàn)一只大大的蟲(chóng)子會(huì)害怕。”

“不，當(dāng)然不怕。

“那你看到一只丑陋無(wú)比的大黃蜂呢，爸爸你怕不。”

“不，當(dāng)然不。”

“那你害怕打雷和閃電。”

“不害怕，你真是個(gè)小傻。”

“爸爸，難道在這個(gè)世界上除了媽媽你真的什么也不怕。”

11.Boy

I accompanied my eight‐month‐pregnant wife to her checkup. We boarded the hospital'.elevator. The only other passenger was an elderly man who studied intently and then said."Boy."Without another word, he got off at his floor.

I was about to tell my wife how strange I thought he was acting when suddenly I realized she was wearing a T‐shirt sporting th."Guess."logo.

男孩

我陪懷孕八個(gè)月的妻子去檢查。我們上了醫(yī)院的電梯，電梯里另一名乘客是一位上了年紀(jì)的男子。他目不轉(zhuǎn)睛地看著我的妻子，然后說(shuō)：“男。”直至到了自己的樓層，他再?zèng)]說(shuō)話。

我剛要告訴妻子那人真怪，這時(shí)我突然意識(shí)到她穿著一件T恤衫，上面醒目地寫(xiě)著“猜猜。”的標(biāo)志。

12.The Same Service

A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor.

"When I was first married, I was very happy. I'.come home from a hard day down at the shop, and my little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now everything'.changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me."

"I don't know what you'.e complaining about."said the counselor."You'.e still getting the same service."

同樣的服務(wù)

有位結(jié)婚十年的男人，正向婚姻顧問(wèn)咨詢(xún)問(wèn)題。

“新婚時(shí)我非常幸福。在店里累了一天，回到家里，小狗圍著我又跑又叫，妻子忙給我拿來(lái)拖鞋。現(xiàn)在一切都變了。小狗給我叼來(lái)拖鞋，妻子對(duì)我又喊又。”

“我不知道你有什么可抱怨。”顧問(wèn)說(shuō)，“你得到的還是同樣的服務(wù)。”

13.The Will

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

"To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and ＄5 million."the attorney reads.

"To my darling daughter, Dora who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and＄1 million."

"And finally,"the lawyer concludes."to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will, well, you were wrong. Hi, Dan."

遺囑

律師和已故百萬(wàn)富翁的家人見(jiàn)面，宣讀遺囑。

“總是陪伴在我身邊的愛(ài)妻羅絲，我把這幢房子和五百萬(wàn)美元留給。”律師讀道。

“我親愛(ài)的女兒，朵拉，在我生病的時(shí)候照顧著我，幫我管理著生意，我把快艇、生意和一百萬(wàn)留給。”

“最。”律師最后說(shuō)道，“我的堂弟，憎恨著我，同我爭(zhēng)吵的丹，認(rèn)為我不會(huì)在遺囑中提到他，哦，可你錯(cuò)了。嗨，。”

14.Try the Hat

A woman was busy making an Irish stew when her husband came in from work, and offered to help her."You can't help much."said the woman."but you might get me a turnip.""What size."asked the man.

"Oh, about the size of your head."said the woman, irritably. The man was away for some time, and then he came back carring a turnip. His wife received him with a broad grin."What are you laughing at."he asked.

"Why."said the wife."Jack Smith called to tell me that he'.seen you in the field at the back back trying your hat a lot of turnip."

試帽子

一個(gè)女人在她丈夫回家的時(shí)候正在忙著做愛(ài)爾蘭燉肉，她的丈夫過(guò)來(lái)幫忙。“你幫不了什么忙。”女人說(shuō)，“不過(guò)你可以遞給我一個(gè)甘。”“多大。”男人問(wèn)。“哦，和你腦袋一樣。”女人不耐煩地說(shuō)。

男人離開(kāi)了一會(huì)兒，然后拿著一個(gè)甘藍(lán)回來(lái)。他的妻子咧著嘴笑著把甘藍(lán)接過(guò)來(lái)。“你在笑什。”他問(wèn)。

“杰克·史密斯打電話告訴我，他回家的時(shí)候看見(jiàn)你在田地里把帽子放在很多甘藍(lán)上面。”

15.New Suit

My husband was in the Navy and bought a posh looking suit made in Hong Kong. We were invited to a party where I felt rather out of place, for the rest of the guests were all a lot better off than I was. My husband, on the other hand, was the centre of attraction as he told stories of the far‐off places he had visited. Feeling neglected, I joined the group he was with, sai."Excuse m."rather loudly, and tugged his sleeve.

I'.l never forget the silence of that moment‐the faces all turned our way staring in astonishment at holding my hand the sleeve of his new suit.

新套裝

我丈夫是一名海軍軍官，他買(mǎi)了一套看上去很時(shí)髦、香港制作的套裝。一次，我們應(yīng)邀去參加一個(gè)舞會(huì)，在那里我感覺(jué)很格格不入，因?yàn)槠渌麃?lái)賓都比我自在得多。相反，我的丈夫和舞會(huì)上的人談?wù)撍ミ^(guò)的很多地方，因而成為關(guān)注的焦點(diǎn)。我感覺(jué)受了冷落，就加入到他那里，還相當(dāng)大聲地說(shuō)“讓。”，并使勁拉他的袖子。

我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)忘記那一刻尷尬的靜默——所有人都轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)臉露出驚訝的表情：我的手里抓著的只是他新衣服的一個(gè)袖子。

16.Why Are Some Hairs White

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother washed the dishes in the kitchen.

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrant to her brunette hair.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked."Why are some of your hairs white, Mom."

Her mother stroked her hair and replied."Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked."Momma, how come all of grandma'.hairs are white.".

為什么有白頭發(fā)

有一天在廚房里，一個(gè)小女孩坐在椅子上看媽媽洗碗。

突然，她注意到媽媽深色的發(fā)叢中長(zhǎng)了幾根白頭發(fā)。

小女孩看著媽媽?zhuān)闷娴貑?wèn)：“媽媽?zhuān)銥槭裁从邪最^發(fā)。”

媽媽摸了摸頭發(fā)回答：“嗯，每次你犯了錯(cuò)，讓我流淚、不開(kāi)心，一根頭發(fā)就會(huì)變。”

小女孩受到啟發(fā)，想了一會(huì)兒，接著問(wèn)：“媽媽?zhuān)瑸槭裁赐馄诺念^發(fā)全白了。”

17.A Naked Man

A man comes home to find his wife naked in bed and bed sheets all rumpled.

The man is surprised. He asks the wife."What'.going on."The woman replies."I am having a heart attack. please call a doctor."

The man rushes downstairs and picks up the phone. Just then, his child comes to him and says."Daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the closet."

The man is furious. He goes upstairs again, opens the closet and finds his best friend, Bertl, in the closet with no clothes on. The man grabs Bert by the shoulders and shouts."You stupid idiot, my wife is having a heart attack, and all you do is to scare little children."

裸男

有一個(gè)男子回家時(shí)發(fā)現(xiàn)老婆裸體躺在床上，而床單滿是皺痕。男子覺(jué)得很奇怪。便問(wèn)老婆說(shuō)，“發(fā)生了什么。”

他的妻子回答：“我的心臟病發(fā)作了，快叫醫(yī)生。”

男子趕快跑下樓要打電話，這時(shí)，他的小孩跑過(guò)來(lái)說(shuō)：“爸爸，爸爸，有個(gè)沒(méi)穿衣服的男人躲在衣櫥。”

男子非常生氣，他又跑上樓，去開(kāi)衣櫥，發(fā)現(xiàn)他最好的朋友伯特，全身光溜的躲在里面。他很生氣地把伯特抓出來(lái)，并大聲地吼：“你這個(gè)白癡，我老婆心臟病發(fā)作，你竟然還躲在這里嚇小。”

18.The Consciousness of Safety

In trying to make sure my daughter was safety‐conscious, I read her appropriate stories at home. She learned at school about being wary of strangers and her grandmother reminded her about being careful.

One evening as she was climbing the stairs, she heard a noise on the front porch."What was that."she whispered. I walked to the door, pushed in the lock, threw the deadbolt closed and peeked out the peephole. My precautions had an obvious effect on her, In wide‐eyed innocence she asked."Do you think we ought to call an adult."

After explaining that I was an adult, she asked."Do you think we ought to call another one."

安全意識(shí)

為了確保女兒具有安全意識(shí)，我在家給她讀一些相關(guān)的報(bào)道。她在學(xué)校里已學(xué)會(huì)了對(duì)陌生人要謹(jǐn)慎，奶奶也提醒她要處處小心。

一天傍晚，她在上樓梯時(shí)聽(tīng)到了前廊里傳來(lái)的噪音。“是什么聲音。”她悄悄地問(wèn)。我走到門(mén)口，推上門(mén)鎖，插好門(mén)栓，又瞇著眼睛從貓眼里向外瞥。我的警惕性顯然影響了她，她睜大天真無(wú)邪的眼睛問(wèn)：“你覺(jué)得我們應(yīng)該叫個(gè)大人來(lái)。”

在我向她解釋我是大人以后，她又問(wèn)：“你覺(jué)得我們是否應(yīng)該叫另一個(gè)大人。”

19.Keeping Up with Joneses

Jenny was the kind of who had to keep up with joneses.

"Dear."complained Dick."aren't you getting a little greedy in trying to keep up with the neighbors."

"I don't know what you mean."Jenny answered.

"First the Smith family bought a new refrigerator, so we had to buy one, too."

"Well, our refrigerator was already five years old."

"Then the Crisp family bought a color TV console and you insisted we needed one."

"Our nineteen‐inch color set was too small."

"Later the Brown family bought a new car and we had to buy a new car. Why do we have to keep up with the joneses."

"We'.e just as good as our neighbors."Jenny retaliated.

"Well, I have news for you."

"Yes."

"Her hubby has kept a mistress in his office."

與人攀比

珍妮是一個(gè)愛(ài)和鄰居攀比的主婦。

“親愛(ài)。”狄克抱怨道，“你不覺(jué)得和鄰居攀比有點(diǎn)過(guò)頭了。”

珍妮回答說(shuō)：“我不明白你在說(shuō)什。”

“首先，史密斯他們家買(mǎi)了一臺(tái)新冰箱，然后我們就也買(mǎi)一。”

“嗯，我們的冰箱已經(jīng)用了五年。”

“然后克里斯普一家買(mǎi)了一臺(tái)彩色電視，然后你堅(jiān)持說(shuō)我們也需要一。”

“我們那臺(tái)十九寸的彩電太小。”

“后來(lái)布朗一家買(mǎi)了一輛新車(chē)，然后我們也買(mǎi)了一輛新的。你為什么老和這些鄰居們攀比。”

“我們只是和鄰居們一樣。”珍妮回應(yīng)道。

“好吧，我要告訴你一個(gè)消。”

“什么消。”

“她老公在公司有了一個(gè)情。”

20.The Missing Husband

Laura called her friend Winona about the disappearance of her husband, who had been missing for several days. When asked by the police for a description of her husband, she replied."He'.over six feet tall, with beautiful, wavy blond hair. He'.got a fetching smile that shows a perfect set of teeth. He wears Brooks Brothers clothes and is muscular, weighing about two hundred pounds."

Winona waited until Laura had finished her phone call, then asked what it was all about."Your husband is over five feet and his hair is gray and almost gone. He grins like a polar bear and he'.bought every darned tooth in his head. Laura, that was an untrue description of your husband."

"Sure it was."Laura replied."But who wants that jerk back."

失蹤的丈夫

勞拉打電話告訴她朋友溫納她丈夫失蹤的事情，他已經(jīng)失蹤好幾天了。當(dāng)被警察問(wèn)道對(duì)她丈夫的描述時(shí)，她回答：“他有六英尺多高，漂亮的金色卷發(fā)。他的笑容很動(dòng)人，牙很齊。他穿著布克兄弟衣服店制作的衣服，很健壯，大約兩百磅。”

溫納一直等到勞拉把電話打完，然后問(wèn)她為什么那么說(shuō)。“你丈夫有五英尺多高，灰色的頭發(fā)，而且都快掉光了。他笑起來(lái)就像北極熊一樣，而且每顆牙都補(bǔ)過(guò)。勞拉，你對(duì)你丈夫的這個(gè)描述不真實(shí)。”

“當(dāng)然不真。”勞拉回答道，“但是誰(shuí)愿意讓那個(gè)混蛋回來(lái)。”

21.Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born."she asked.

He replied."Just send me a post card and write spaghetti, on the back."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and the one day the doctor'.wife called him at the office and explained."Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said."Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack—and died.

So the wife picked up the card and read."Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti."

意大利面

一個(gè)醫(yī)生與他的護(hù)士發(fā)生了婚外情。不久，護(hù)士告訴他說(shuō)她懷孕了。醫(yī)生不想讓他的妻子知道這件事，于是他給了護(hù)士一大筆錢(qián)，讓她去意大利生孩子。

“但是我怎么讓你知道孩子生下來(lái)了。”護(hù)士問(wèn)道。

他回答說(shuō)：“給我寄一張明信片好了，并在背面寫(xiě)上‘意大利面。”

護(hù)士也沒(méi)有別的辦法，只好拿著錢(qián)飛到了意大利。六個(gè)月過(guò)去了，一天，醫(yī)生的妻子打電話到他的辦公室說(shuō)：“親愛(ài)的，我今天收到一張寄給你的明信片，很奇怪，我不明白這張明信片是什么意。”

醫(yī)生說(shuō)：“等我回家，看過(guò)之后我會(huì)解釋給你。”

那天晚些時(shí)候醫(yī)生才回到家，看過(guò)明信片，立刻心臟病發(fā)作倒在地板上——死了。

妻子撿起明信片，讀道：“意大利面，意大利面，意大利面，意大利。”

22.The Logic of the Scholar

A rich farmer'.son, who had been bred at the university, always came home at Christmas, to visit his father and mother.

One evening, they were all three at supper, and two fowls having been served up, he told them that, by logic and arithmetic, he could prove those two chickens to be three.

"Well."said his father."you ought to teach us how that Can be done."

"Why."cried the scholar."This is one, and that."he continued."is two; one and two, you know, make three."

"Very clever, indeed, and very funny."returned the father."but you ought to have told us also, how we are to divide those two fowls among us three. Perhaps you could not have managed that so easily, so I will assist you: your mother shall have the first fowl, I will have the second, and the third, you may keep for yourself, as reward for your great learning."

學(xué)者的邏輯

一個(gè)有錢(qián)的農(nóng)民有一個(gè)兒子，他在大學(xué)接受過(guò)教育，總是在圣誕節(jié)回家看望他的父母。

一天晚上，他們?nèi)嗽谝黄鸪酝盹垼袃芍浑u被端了上來(lái)，他告訴他們，他能用邏輯與計(jì)算知識(shí)證明那兩只雞可以變成三只。

“好。”他父親說(shuō)。“你應(yīng)該教教我們?cè)趺础！?/p>

“哎。”學(xué)者叫道，“這是一，那。”他接著說(shuō)，“是二，一加二，你知道，等于。”

“非常聰明，真的，而且很有。”父親回答道，但是你也應(yīng)該告訴我們，我們?nèi)齻€(gè)如何分那兩只雞，也許你解決起來(lái)不會(huì)那么容易，所以我來(lái)幫助你：“你媽媽?xiě)?yīng)該吃第一只，我吃第二只，第三只你應(yīng)該留自己，作為你學(xué)得好的獎(jiǎng)。”