上篇 極品醉愛

1.Marry Penguin

A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate."I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities."

Back came the answer."Marry penguin."

娶企鵝

一個單身漢想在電腦上找一個完美伴侶。“我要找一個嬌小可愛、喜歡水上運(yùn)動和集體活動的伴。”

回答是：“娶企。”

2.Reason

The couple I know were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. William was annoyed at Mary'.indifference to what he felt was a poor job."The problem is that I'.a perfectionist and you'.e not."he finally said to her.

"Exactly."she replied."That'.why you married me and I married you."

原因

我認(rèn)識的一對夫妻正在討論剛剛掛上的壁紙。威廉覺得壁紙掛得不好，瑪麗卻漠不關(guān)心，威爾對此感到氣惱。“問題就是我是個完美主義者，而你不。”他最后對她說。

“說得。”她答道，“這就是你娶了我，我嫁給你的原。”

3.I Don't Know Her

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that."said the wife.

"Honey,"replied her husband."I don't even know that woman."

我還不認(rèn)識她呢

一對夫婦在公園里散步，發(fā)現(xiàn)一對年輕的男女坐在一條長凳上，動情地接吻。

“你為什么不那么做。”妻子說。

“親愛。”丈夫回答說，“我還不認(rèn)識那個女人。”

4.My Husband

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it."he asked.

"My husband."she replied.

"I better be going."he said."Where was he."

"Relax. He'.downtown playing poker with you."

我丈夫

電話鈴響時，她留他一個人坐在沙發(fā)上，不一會兒又回到了他身邊。

“是。”他問。

“我的丈。”她答道。

“我最好還是走。”他說，“他在哪。”

“放松，他正在鬧市區(qū)和你打撲克。”

5.The Poor Husband

"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife."the man complained to his friend."She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explains to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong."

可憐的丈夫

“你根本無法想象和我妻子打交道有多么。”一個男人對他的朋友訴苦說，“她問我一個問題，然后自己回答了，過后又花半小時跟我解釋為什么我的答案是錯。”

6.You'.e Already Heard It

Arriving at home, I was about to show my husband my newly done hair. Hearing my footsteps, he called out."I'.going to tell you a joke that'.going to make your hair curl."

He turned around, took a look at me and added."Oh, you'.e already heard it."

你已經(jīng)聽過了

回到家，我打算給丈夫看我新做的頭發(fā)。聽到我的腳步聲，丈夫喊道：“給你講個笑話，它會讓你笑得頭發(fā)卷起。”

他轉(zhuǎn)過身，看了我一眼，補(bǔ)充道：“哦，原來你已經(jīng)聽過。”

7.Send for the Fire Brigade

One'.wife could not read the thermometer, but she took her husband's temperature with it and gave a call to the doctor."Dear doctor, please come at once. My husband's temperature is 53.

The doctor replied."Dear madam, I can do nothing. Send for the fire brigade."

叫消防隊

一個人的妻子不會看體溫計。她用體溫計給丈夫量過體溫后，給醫(yī)生打了個電話：“尊敬的醫(yī)生，請馬上來吧。我丈夫的體溫到了五十三。”

醫(yī)生回答說：“親愛的夫人，我無能為力，快去叫消防隊。”

8.Who Is This Speaking

She answered the phone to hear a repentant voice."I'.sorry, darling,"he said."I have thought things over and you can have the Rolls‐Royce as a wedding present, we will move to the Gold Coast, and your mother can stay with us. Now will you marry me."

"Of course I will."she said."And who is this speaking."

你是誰

她接電話時聽到一個懺悔的聲音說：“對不起，親愛的，我已經(jīng)想過了，你可以擁有勞斯萊斯作為結(jié)婚禮物，我們將搬到黃金海岸，你母親可以和我們一塊兒住。現(xiàn)在你愿意嫁給我。”

“我當(dāng)然愿。”她說，“可你是誰。”

9.Want Her to Go Nuts

Mrs. Henry decided to have her portrait painted.She told the artist,"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

"But you'.e not wearing any of those things."

"I know."said Mrs. Henry."It'.in case I should die before my husband. I'.sure he'.remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

我要讓她發(fā)瘋

亨利夫人想讓人給她畫幅肖像畫。她告訴那位畫家說：“把我畫成戴著鉆石耳環(huán)、鉆石項鏈、祖母綠手鐲還有紅寶石垂飾的樣。”

“可這些東西您一樣也沒戴。”

“我知。”亨利夫人說，“我是想著萬一我比我丈夫先死去，他肯定會很快再婚。我要讓那個女人為尋找這些珠寶而發(fā)。”

10.Domestic Thief

"Well, my dear."he said, as he was dressing."I suppose you were right when you told me last night that there was a burglar in the house."

"Why."

"Because all the money that was in my pockets when I went to bed is gone."

"Well, if you'.been brave and got up to shoot the wretch, you'.have had your money this morning."

"Possibly, but then I would have been a widower."

She gave him back half the money.

家賊

“哦，親愛。”男人穿衣服的時候說，“我想你昨晚告訴我說屋里有個賊是對。”

“為什。”

“因為我昨天上床睡覺的時候還在我口袋里的錢現(xiàn)在全都不見。”

“呃，如果你勇敢點(diǎn)并且起來向那個卑鄙的人開槍的話，你今天早上就能拿回你的。”

“也許吧，但是我就會成為一名鰥夫。”

她把一半的錢還給了他。

11.It Was Too Late

Although I had never met him, I knew that my grandfather had been five feet and five inches tall, while my stately grandmother stood five feet and eleven inches. As a teenager leafing through old photographs with grandma, I finally realized how unusual they must have looked together.

"Grandma."I asked."how could you have fallen in love with a man six inches shorter than you."

She turned to me."Honey." she said."we fell in love sitting down, and when I stood up, it was late."

為時已晚

盡管我未見過祖父，不過我知道他身高只有五英尺五英寸，而我高貴典雅的祖母身高卻有五英尺十一英寸。我十幾歲的時候，和祖母一起翻看著老照片，我覺得他們在一起看起來很別扭。

“奶。”我問道，“你怎么會愛上一個比你矮六英寸的人。”

她轉(zhuǎn)向我說道：“寶貝，我們相愛的時候是坐著的，而當(dāng)我站起來的時候，已經(jīng)晚。”

12.Questions and Answer

1. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first？ The dog of course, at least he'.l shut up after you let him in!

2. What'.the difference between a boyfriend and a husband？

About 20 pounds.

3. How do most men define marriage？

A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

4. What'.the difference between marriage and death？

Dead people are free.

巧問妙答

1. 如果你的狗正在后門叫，而你妻子正在前門吵，你先給誰開門？

當(dāng)然先給狗開門，至少你讓它進(jìn)來后，它就閉嘴了。

2. 男朋友和丈夫有什么差別？

大概相差二十磅。

3. 大多數(shù)男人怎么定義婚姻？

一種價格昂貴的洗衣方法。

4. 婚姻和死亡有什么差別？

死人是自由的。

13.You Look Like An Old Gentleman

I think women'.role will always be accentuated if they adorn life with their beautiful hairdos.

"I no longer look like an old lady."said Sophia to her husband now busy solving a cross‐word puzzle by the fire.

She had just been to her hairdresser and looked quite a different person.

The fellow lifted his head and muttered under his breath：

"That'.quite time, darling. You don't look like an old lady at all."

"And what do I look like."insisted the lady blushing prettily.

"You look like an old gentleman."

你看起來像個老紳士

我認(rèn)為女性如果用漂亮的發(fā)型來裝點(diǎn)生活，她們的性別會更突出。

“我看起來不再像個老太太。”索菲亞對她正在火爐前玩填字游戲的丈夫說。

她剛?cè)ミ^美發(fā)店，現(xiàn)在看起來完全像變了一個人。

那個老家伙抬起頭嘟囔著說：

“一點(diǎn)兒不錯，親愛的，你看起來一點(diǎn)都不像個老婦。”

“那我看起來像什么。”這位女士害羞地問道。

“你看起來像個老紳。”

14.Notes

A friend was going into hospital for an operation so she spent the morning writing short notes which she left round the house for her husband to find. One note on the kitchen door said."Eat three times a day."Another note on the bedside table wished him pleasant dreams.A third note on the side of the bath read."Please clean me after use."Every room had a message of some sort but the funniest of all was pinned to his best suit in the wardrobe. It said," Just where do you think you'.e going tonight to need this."

便條

一個朋友打算去醫(yī)院做手術(shù)，于是她花了一早上的時間寫了些便條，并把它們放在了家里的各個地方，以便她的丈夫可以找到。在廚房的門上有一張便條寫道：“一天吃三頓。”

床頭桌子旁的便條是希望他做好夢。

浴缸旁的便條寫著：“用完后將我洗干。”每個房間都有各種提示，而最有意思的是，衣櫥里，她丈夫最好的那身衣服上貼著的便條寫道：“今晚你需要穿它去什么地。”

15.Who'.in Heaven

An olderly gentleman had passed away. His grief‐stricken widow missed him so much that she could not sleep a wink for days.

On one sleepless night, she heard a voice and immediately inquired."Is that you, dear."

"Yes, it'.me."

"How are you doing."

"I'.fine."

The concerned wife inquired further."Are you happy now."

"Yes, I'.happy now."

"Are you happier now than when you were with me."

"Yes, much happier."

Assuming that her husband was enjoying the heavenly bliss, with curiosity in her voice, the lady asked."Tell me dear, what'.heaven like."

"Who'.in heaven."

誰在天堂

一位老人去世了，他妻子很想念他，傷心不已，夜不能寐。

又是一個不眠之夜，妻子聽到有什么聲音，便立即問道：“是你嗎，親愛。”

“是的，是。”

“你現(xiàn)在過得好。”

“我過得很。”

妻子又關(guān)切地問道：“你現(xiàn)在幸福。”

“嗯，挺幸福。”

“比我們在一起時還幸福。”

“是的，幸福多。”

得知丈夫在天堂很快樂，妻子又好奇地問道：

“親愛的，跟我說說，天堂什么樣。”

“誰在天堂。”

16.Flatterer

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the way.

Mabel, a friend of mine, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying th."miracl."

products, she asks her husband."Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am."

Looking over her carefully, he replied."Judging from your skin, twenty；your hair, eighteen；and your body, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer."She gushed. Just as she was about to tell him his reward, he stops her saying.

"Wow, hold on there sweety."he interrupted."I haven't added them up yet."

馬屁精

有些人優(yōu)雅地變老，還有一些人為變老而掙扎、抓狂。

梅布爾是我的朋友，她拒絕變老的容顏，就出門買了一套新出的化妝品，可不便宜，但能讓她看起來年輕很多歲。

梅布爾在鏡子前涂抹這個“。”化妝品涂了很久，她問老公：“親愛的，老實說，如果你不認(rèn)識我，你覺得我有多大。”

梅布爾的老公仔細(xì)看了看，回答：“看皮膚是二十，看頭發(fā)是十八，看身材是二十。”

“哦，你這個馬屁。”梅布爾脫口而出。正當(dāng)梅布爾準(zhǔn)備告訴老公得到什么獎勵時，老公沒有讓她說下去。

“哇，親愛的，等。”他說，“我還沒有加起來。”

17.Knocked the Door

Mr. and Mrs. John lived in a small house near London with their child. Sometimes Mr. John came back from work very late, when his wife and child were asleep, he opened the front door of his house with the key and came in very quietly.

But one night he came home late and lost his key, so when he reached his house, he rang the bell. Nothing happened. He rang it again. Again nothing happened-nobody moved inside the house. Mr. John knocked at the bedroom window and shouted, but his wife didn't wake up. At last he stopped and thought for a few seconds. Then he began to speak like a little child."Mama, I wanna pee."He spoke in a low voice but at once Mrs. John woke up.

叫門

約翰夫婦和孩子住在倫敦附近的一座小房子里。有時，約翰先生很晚才下班回家。當(dāng)妻子和孩子已經(jīng)睡著時，他就用鑰匙打開前門，輕輕走進(jìn)屋里。

但有一天夜里，他很晚才回家，鑰匙也丟了，所以，到家門口時，他只好按門鈴。沒有動靜。他又按了一次門鈴。還是沒有動靜——屋里沒有人動。約翰先生敲了敲臥室窗戶，大聲喊叫，但他的妻子還是沒有醒。最后，他停下來想了一會兒，然后像小孩子那樣說道：“媽媽，我要尿。”他說話聲很低，但約翰太太馬上就醒了。

18.Jimmy and Linda

Jimmy and Linda are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Linda'.in the bathroom, as Jimmy'.getting undressed he says to himself."How am I going to tell her？ How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet."Then he throws his socks under the bed.

Linda walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and he goes into the bathroom. Linda sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself."How am I going to tell him？ How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath？ I'.e got to tell him."Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom.

Linda runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says."Honey, I'.e got to tell you something."Jimmy says.

"Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."

吉米和琳達(dá)

吉米和琳達(dá)在他們的新婚之夜住進(jìn)了蜜月套房，琳達(dá)正在浴室里。吉米一邊脫衣服一邊自言自語：“我該怎樣告訴她呢？我該怎樣告訴我的新婚妻子我有世界上最臭的腳。”于是他把他的襪子扔到了床底。

琳達(dá)從浴室里走了出來，吉米因為太不好意思面對她，趕緊從她身邊跑過去，進(jìn)了浴室。琳達(dá)坐在床邊自言自語：“我該怎樣告訴他呢？我該怎樣告訴我的新婚丈夫我有世界上最臭的嘴呢？我一定得告訴。”

正在這時吉米從浴室里走了出來。琳達(dá)朝他跑了過去，給了他一個長長的熱吻，把他拉回床邊說道：“親愛的，我一定要告訴你一件。”吉米答道：“啊，我知道了，你剛才吃了我的襪。”

19.Give up Smoking

Lucy looked at her husband scornfully and said."Didn't your doctor tell you to give up smoking."

"He did,"answered Dick who seemed to be ashamed of himself."and.

"And yet you insist on smoking like a chimney,"continued Lucy."you smoke at least 40 cigarettes a day."

"Er...well,"answered Dick who seemed under his wife'.thumb."I suppose I'.better cut it down for a time. I don't think I could actually do without a cigarette all day long."

"And where is your strong willpower."asked Lucy."You should break the habit at once."

Dick had always been as meek as a mouse but this time he felt he could not give way.

"You could think as you like, darling, but I just can't do it."

"What？ Can't do it."exclaimed Lucy."Look at your friend Bill! He'.given up smoking successfully over ten times."

戒煙

露茜輕蔑地看著丈夫說：“醫(yī)生不是讓你戒煙。”

“是。”迪克難為情地說，“可是。”

“可你還是像煙囪似的抽個不。”露茜繼續(xù)說道，“你一天至少抽四十支。”

“呃……。”好像有“妻。”的迪克回答說，“我想我最好一次減少一點(diǎn)。我想整天不抽我可受不。”

“你的堅強(qiáng)毅力到哪里去。”露茜問，“你應(yīng)該馬上改掉這個習(xí)。”

迪克總是言聽計從，但這次他覺得不能讓步。

“親愛的，你愛怎么想就怎么想，可我真的做不。”

“什么？做不。”露茜大聲喊道，“瞧瞧你的朋友比爾，他已經(jīng)成功地戒了十多次。”

20.It'.Rather Unusual

A honeymoon couple checked into the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D. C.

That night, as the husband was about to turn off the light, his bride asked."Do you think this room is bugged."

"That was a long time ago, sweetheart."he reassured her.

"But what if there'.a microphone somewhere？ I'.be so embarrassed."

So the groom searched under the tables and behind the pictures. Then he turned back the rug. Sure enough, there was a funny‐looking gizmo in the floor. He took out the screws, got rid of the hardware, and climbed into bed.

The next morning the hotel manager asked the newly‐weds,"How was your room？ How was the service？ How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel."

"Why are you asking me all of these questions."the groom says.

"It'.rather unusual."the manager answered."Last night the couple in the room below yours had a chandelier fall on them."

不尋常

一對度蜜月的新人住進(jìn)了華盛頓特區(qū)水門旅館。

當(dāng)天夜里，丈夫關(guān)燈時，新娘問：“你認(rèn)為這個房間會被竊聽。”

“那是很久以前的事兒了，親愛。”他安慰新娘說。

“但如果某個地方有話筒怎么辦？我會很難為情。”

新郎檢查了桌子下面和畫像背后，然后又翻過地毯，發(fā)現(xiàn)地板上有個樣子奇特的螺母，就擰下螺母，拆掉零件，然后便鉆進(jìn)了被窩。

第二天早上，旅館經(jīng)理問這對新婚夫婦：“你們的房間還好嗎？我們的服務(wù)怎么樣？你們在水門旅館住得怎么。”

新郎反問道：“你為什么要問我這些問。”

“太不尋常。”旅館經(jīng)理回答說，“昨晚你們這個房間下層的枝形吊燈掉到了你們下面那個房間的夫婦身。”

21.It'.Unnecessary to See God with a Present

There was once a stingy and narrow‐minded man, who was ready to get angry about trifles.

One day he took a matter to heart and hit upon the idea of taking his own life. That day, to find a chance of suicide, he went out with his wife on the excuse of driving away his cares.

When they came to a river, he took off his clothes when his wife took no notice. Then he jumped into the river.

All of a sudden, he raised his head out of the water, shouting to his wife."Farewell, my dear! Don't forget to take my clothes home." On seeing this, the passengers on the bank all asked to rescue the man from danger.

But his wife said in no hurry."You needn't save him. I can get him out of the water by himseif."With this words, she took her husband's wallet and threw it into the river.

The husband, who was taking his own life, caught hold of the wallet all at once.

And then, he quickly swam to the bank. He rushed to his wife in an angry way, shouting."Are you crazy？ It'.unnecessary to see God with a present."

見上帝沒必要帶禮物

有一個人很吝嗇并且思想狹隘，他經(jīng)常為一些瑣事發(fā)火。

一天，他突然犯了心臟病，于是他起了輕生的念頭。那天，他為了尋找一個自殺的機(jī)會，就借口出去散散心，與妻子一起外出。

當(dāng)他們來到一條河邊時，他趁妻子不注意，脫下衣服，然后跳入河中。

他立刻又從水中探出頭沖他妻子喊：“別了！親愛的！別忘了把我的衣服帶回。”岸上的游客看到這一幕，都去找人救他。

但他妻子急忙制止說：“你們不用救他，我能讓他自己上。”正說著，她從丈夫的衣服里拿出錢包，扔進(jìn)了河里。

那個正在自殺的男人立刻抓住了他的錢包，然后迅速向岸邊游來。他非常氣憤地沖到妻子面前，大吼道：“你瘋了嗎？去見上帝不用帶禮物。”

22.Women

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman

If you don't, you are not a man

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying

If you don't, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing

If you don't, you are not understanding

If you make romance, you are a."experenced ma."

If you don't, you are half a man

lf you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring

If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy

If you don't, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it'.bad

If you don't, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her

If you don't, she thinks you do not like her

It you are a minute late, she complains it'.hard to wait

If she is late, she says that'.a girl'.way

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel

If she is visited by another,"Oh it'.natural, we are girl."

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold

If you kiss her to many, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics

If you do, she thinks it'.just one of the man'.tactics

If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen

If you listen, she wants you to talk

Oh God! You created those creature calle."WOMA."

So simple, yet so complex

So weak, yet so powerful

So confusing, yet so desirable

"O LORD, tell me what to do. AME."

女人

親吻不是君子

不吻不是漢子

夸贊視作謊言

不夸視作傻蛋

依她就會耍性

不依不解風(fēng)情

浪漫不是處子

呆板不是男子

常見變得乏味

少見被指虛偽

打扮就是花心

邋遢就是無心

吃醋不夠大方

不吃懷疑不愛

求歡意味失禮

老實沒有愛意

遲到抱怨難等

等待女孩應(yīng)該

訪友被指亂混

女孩聚會自然

少吻責(zé)怪冷漠

多吻大叫色狼

忽視過街缺德

照顧只是計策

盯人被指放浪

瞧她就是欣賞

說話時應(yīng)傾聽

傾聽時應(yīng)說話

哦上帝！你造出了“。”

如此簡單又如此復(fù)雜

如此弱小又如此強(qiáng)大

如此費(fèi)解又如此心儀

“哦主啊，我該怎么辦？。”

23.The perfect husband

There are sevenral men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a mobile telephone that is on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues.

"Hello."

"Honey, it'.me. Are you at the club."

"Yes."

"Great！I am at the mall two blooks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat...it is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I bay it."

"What'.the price."

"Only $2500

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2015 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year."

"What price did he quote you."

"Only $60 000."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the potions."

"Great！Before we hang up, something else."

"What."

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It'.on sale!! Remember？ The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

"How much are they asking."

"Only $500 000...a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420 000. OK."

"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'.l see you later!! I love you!"

"Bye...I do too."

The man hangs up, closes the phone'.flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present."Does anyone know who this phone belongs to."

完美丈夫

幾個男人在一家私人俱樂部健身鍛煉之后，正在更衣室里換衣服。突然，長凳上的一部移動電話響了起來。一個人接起電話，就產(chǎn)生了下面的一系列對話：

“你。”

“親愛的，是我。你還在俱樂部。”

“是。”

“太好啦！我就在離你兩個街區(qū)的商場呢。我看中了一件特別漂亮的貂皮大衣……它看起來華麗至極，我可以買下來。”

“多少錢。”

“只要2 500美。”

“好吧，既然你那么喜歡就買。”

“嗯，我還在梅賽德斯。奔馳代理店里看見了2015年的新款。我看中了一個特別喜歡的車型。我跟售貨員聊了一會兒，他給了我一個很公道的價格……再說，去年的寶馬車我們也該換換。”

“那他告訴你多少錢。”

“只要6萬美元。”

“好吧，不過鑒于那么高的價格，我希望它的功能很齊全。”

“太好啦！不過咱倆掛電話之前，還有點(diǎn)兒事兒。”

“什么事兒。”

“這個聽起來可能有點(diǎn)兒多，不過我已經(jīng)查過你的賬戶了……我今早在房產(chǎn)代理處看到我們?nèi)ツ昕粗械哪翘追孔诱谂馁u！你還記得吧？就是那棟在濱海地區(qū)的，有游泳池，英式花園，停車場的那個。”

“他們要價多少。”

“只要50萬美元……多好的價錢啊，我看咱們銀行里的錢也很充裕。”

“好吧，那就買了吧，不過一定要還價到42萬美元，怎么。”

“嗯，親愛的……謝謝你！待會見啦！！我愛你！。”

“拜拜，我也是。”

那個男人掛了電話，合上手機(jī)，對所有在場的人說：“有誰知道這個手機(jī)是誰的。”

24.I Am Not Able to Take Care of Three Wives

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,"Why are you crying."

The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into water,and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe."the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied,"No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe."the lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied."No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

"Is this your axe."the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied."Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man'.honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,"Why are you crying."

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water."

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Martha.

"Is this your wife."the Lord asked.

"Yes."cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious."You lied! That is an untruth."

The woodcutter replied."Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said'no'.o Martha, you would have come up with Polly. Then if I said'no'.o her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said'yes,'you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of three wives, so that'.why I said yes to Martha."

三個老婆

一天，一位樵夫在岸邊砍柴，斧頭掉到水里了，他大哭了起來。這時候上帝出現(xiàn)了，問他：“你為什么哭。”

樵夫說他的斧頭掉水里了，可他要靠斧頭維持生計。

上帝潛到水里，拿著一把金斧頭露出水面。

“這是你的。”上帝問道。

樵夫回答說：“不。”

上帝又潛到水里，拿出一把銀斧頭：“這是你的。”上帝問道。

樵夫又回答說：“不。”

上帝又潛到水底，拿出一把鐵斧頭。

“這是你的。”上帝問道。

樵夫回答道：“是。”

上帝對樵夫的誠實感到很滿意，于是把三把斧頭都給了他，樵夫高興地回家了。

過了一段時間，樵夫和妻子在河邊散步，他的妻子一下掉進(jìn)了河里。

正在他大哭的時候，上帝又出現(xiàn)了，問他：“你為什么哭。”

“啊，上帝，我老婆掉進(jìn)水里。”

上帝潛到水底，帶出了瑪莎。

“這是你的妻子。”上帝問道。

“是。”樵夫大叫道。

上帝很生氣：“你撒謊，這不是事。”

樵夫回答道：“哦，寬恕我吧上帝，這是個誤會。如果我說不是，你又會帶出波莉；如果我再說不是，你才會撈出我的妻子；如果那時我再說是，你會把三個都給我。我的上帝，我是個窮人，養(yǎng)不起三個老婆，所以我才承認(rèn)瑪莎是我老。”

25.Husbands Said

1. My wife and I are both happy for twenty something years, then we met.

2. A good wife always forgives her husband when she'.wrong.

3. I haven't spoken to my wife for months. I don't like to interrupt her.

4. I married Miss."Righ.".I just didn't know her first name was."alway.".

5. It'.not true that married men live longer than single men.It only seems longer.

6. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

7. Losing a wife can be hard.In my case, it was nearly impossible.

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.

9. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, th."becomes silent.

10. A husband said to his wife."No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother‐in‐law better than mine."

11. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he'.finished.

12. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.

13. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

14. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

15. Any married man should forget his mistakes—there'.no use in two people remembering the same thing.

16. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

17. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

18. To keep your marriage brimming with love in the marriage cup—Whenever you'.e wrong, admit it.

Whenever you'.e right, shut up.

19. My opinions are my wife'., and she says I'.lucky to have them.

20. When a man holds a woman'.hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self‐defense.

21. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking: the husband gives and the wife takes.

22. Marriage is not just having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

23. It'.true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married.

24. A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

丈夫如是說

1. 我和我妻子都各自幸福地生活了二十幾年，然后我們相遇了。

2. 好妻子總是會原諒丈夫，當(dāng)她自己做錯事的時候。

3. 我已經(jīng)好幾個月沒和妻子說話了，我可不想打擾她。

4. 我娶到了“正。”女人，只是不知道她的姓是“。”。

5. 說已婚男人比單身漢活得更久是不對的，其實只是看起來更久。

6. 已婚男人比單身漢長壽，不過他們更愿意早死。

7. 失去老婆會很難，但對我來說，這根本不可能。

8. 男女平等是不可能的，除非她們能禿著頭在大街上走還覺得自己很好看。

9. 結(jié)婚前，男人為他所愛的女人癡迷。結(jié)婚后，就只剩為她賺錢了。

10. 丈夫?qū)ζ拮诱f：“不，我并不是討厭你的親戚，只是比起我的丈母娘來，我更喜歡你的婆。”

11. 沒結(jié)婚的男人是不完整的，結(jié)婚后他就完整（完蛋）了。

12. 結(jié)婚之前我不知道什么是真正的幸福，而等我知道的時候后，一切都已經(jīng)太晚了。

13. 一個男人主動為妻子打開車門，可以肯定：要么車是新的，要么妻子是新的。

14. 婚姻就是你的妻子逐漸發(fā)現(xiàn)自己想要什么樣的男人的過程。

15. 所有已婚男人都應(yīng)該忘掉自己的錯誤——兩個人都記著同樣的事其實沒什么意義。

16. 男人要想維持幸福婚姻就應(yīng)該學(xué)會把嘴巴閉上，把錢包打開。

17. 如果別的男人偷走了你老婆，最好的報復(fù)方式就是讓他把她留著。

18. 想讓你的婚姻充滿愛，就要——你犯錯的時候，承認(rèn)錯誤。你沒錯的時候，閉上嘴巴。

19. 我的想法正好與妻子一樣，她說我很幸運(yùn)。

20. 結(jié)婚前一個男人握住女人的手是因為愛情，結(jié)婚之后就是出于自衛(wèi)了。

21. 幸福的婚姻就是給予和索取：給予的是丈夫，索取的是妻子。

22. 結(jié)婚并不僅僅是有了妻子，還有隨之而來的無盡的煩惱。

23. 每個人生來都是平等自由的，但是他們中的一些人結(jié)婚了。

24. 紳士就是從來不當(dāng)著女士的面罵自己妻子的人。

26.What If...

"Dear,"said the wife."what would you do if I died."

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset."said the husband."Why do you ask such a question."

"Would you remarry."persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear."said the husband.

"Don't you like being married."said the wife.

"Of course I do, dear."he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry."

"Alright."said the husband."I'.remarry."

"You would."said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes."said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed."said the wife after a long pause.

"Well yes, I suppose I would."replied the husband.

"I see."said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes."

"I suppose, if she wanted to."

"Really."said the wife icily."And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her."

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so."said the wife, leaping to her feet."And I suppose you'.let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear."said the husband,"She'.left‐handed."

要是……

“親愛。”妻子說，“要是我死了，你怎么。”

“怎么啦，親愛的，我會很傷。”丈夫說，“你干嗎問這樣的問。”

“你會再婚。”做妻子的毫不放松。

“不會，當(dāng)然不會，親愛。”丈夫說。

“你不喜歡結(jié)。”妻子說。

“當(dāng)然喜歡，親愛。”他說。

“那么你為什么不再。”

“好。”丈夫說，“我再婚就是。”

“你。”妻子說，看來有點(diǎn)受傷的樣子。

“是。”丈夫說。

“你會和她睡在這張床上。”妻子沉默了好一會兒問道。

“唔，是的吧，我想會。”丈夫回答。

“明白。”妻子惱怒地說，“你會讓她穿我的衣服。”

“會吧，如果她想穿的。”丈夫說。

“是。”妻子冷冰冰地說，“你會把我的照片換成她的。”

“會的，我想那樣做是對。”

“是。”妻子跳起來，“那你也會讓她用我的高爾夫球桿。”

“當(dāng)然不會，親愛。”丈夫說，“她是個左撇。”

下篇 奇葩囧語

1.Send the Bill to My Father

Doctor: I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary.

Patient: Then send the bill to my father, please.

把賬單給我父親

醫(yī)生：“對你的病痛我無能為力。那是遺傳。”

病人：“那請你把賬單給我父親。”

2.How about That

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read."Here lies Alva, a lawyer and an honest man."

"How about that."he exclaimed."They'.e got three people buried in one grave."

怎么回事

一個上墳的人看到一塊墓碑上寫著：“這里躺著阿爾瓦里，一個律師和一個誠實的。”

“這是怎么回。”他大聲說道，“他們把三個人合葬在了同一座墓。”

3.I'.e Got the Wrong Room

"A beautiful woman appeared in the doorway of my hotel room and said, 'Oh, no, I'.e got the wrong room.'.Henry relates.

"But I told,'You'.e got the right room—you'.e just 20 years too late!'.

走錯了房間

“一個美女出現(xiàn)在我旅館房間的門口說：‘噢，不，我走錯了房間。’亨利敘述說。

“但我說：‘你走對了——只是遲到了二十年！’

4.You'.e Facing the Wrong Way

In a cinema, a lady turned round and said to the giggling school girls behind her."Do you mind, I'.trying to watch the film."

"In that case,"said one of them."you'.e facing the wrong way."

你看錯方向了

劇院里，一位女士回頭對后面正在說笑的一群女學(xué)生說：“不好意思，我想好好看會兒電。”

“既然這。”其中一個女孩子說，“您現(xiàn)在可是看錯方向。”

5.How Do I Breathe

A friend of mine explained how his eyes had watered when he sliced onions.Trying to be helpful, I told him his eyes wouldn't tear if he cut the onions under water.

"Well, yes,"he said,"but how do I breathe."

我怎么呼吸

我的一位朋友向我解釋說，他在切洋蔥時總是眼淚直流。為了幫他，我告訴他在水下切洋蔥就不會流淚。

“噢，是。”他說，“可我怎么呼吸。”

6.Protest

A drunk stands up in a bar and shouts."All Lawyers are scumbags."

Another drunk stands up and yells."Hey, I resent that remark."

The first drunk yells."Why, are you a lawyer."

"No,"said the second drunk."I'.a scumbag."

抗議

一喝醉了的人在一酒吧大叫：“所有的律師都是無。”

另外的一個喝醉了的人站起來同樣大叫：“嗨，我不同意你那么。”

那個喝醉了的人大叫：“為什么？你是一位律。”

“。”第二個喝醉了的說，“我是一個無。”

7.Beat Your Son

Mr. Blake was watching TV when his seven‐year‐old son came into the room crying."Daddy, my grandpa slapped me in the face."

Hearing that, Mr. Blake became so angry that he suddenly boxed his own ears heavily and said."You beat my son and I dare to beat yours."

打你兒子

布萊克先生在房間里看電視，他七歲的兒子走進(jìn)來哭道：“爸爸，爺爺剛才打了我一巴。”

布萊克先生聽了非常生氣，突然重重地打了自己一個耳光，說：“你打我兒子，我也敢打你兒。”

8.I Thought You Were Landing

A small plane with an instructor and student on board hit the runway and bounced repeatedly until it came to a stop.

The instructor turned to the student and said."That was a very bad landing you just made."

"Me."replied the student."I thought you were landing."

我以為你在降落

一架載著一名飛行教練和一名學(xué)員的小型飛機(jī)撞在跑道上，顛簸了一陣才停下來。教練轉(zhuǎn)過身對學(xué)員說：“你這次降落得真是太糟。”

“。”學(xué)員回答說，“我還以為是你在降落。”

9.Where Am I

An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw a farmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer."Excuse me, can you tell me where I am."

"Yes,"the farmer looked at him strangely and said."you are in your car, sir."

我在哪兒

一個英國人在鄉(xiāng)下開車時迷了路，他看見一個農(nóng)民正在附近的地里干活。于是他就把車開過去問那位農(nóng)民：“勞駕，您能告訴我我現(xiàn)在在哪兒。”

“可。”農(nóng)夫奇怪地看了看他后說，“你現(xiàn)在在你的車子里，先。”

10.Go Home for My Pyjamas

Mr. Billy had spent the evening visiting his old friend Mr. Moore, but when the time came for him to leave there was a sudden thunderstorm and the rain began to fall in torrents.

"You'.better stay the night."said Mr. Moore.

"Thanks, I will."said Mr. Billy."I'.l just go home for my pyjamas."

拿睡衣

一天晚上，比利萬先生去拜訪老朋友莫爾先生。正當(dāng)他要起身告辭時，突然下起了雷陣雨，大雨傾盆而下。

“你最好在這里過。”莫爾先生說。

“謝謝，我會。”比利萬先生說，“但我要先跑回家去拿睡衣。”

11.Keep Feeding

A mother saw her three‐year‐old son put a nickel in his mouth and swallowed. She immediately picked him up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside."Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes! What shall I do."

Yelled back the father."Keep feeding him nickels."

繼續(xù)喂

母親見三歲的兒子將一枚五分鎳幣放進(jìn)嘴里吞了下去，她立刻將他抱起，頭朝下不停地拍打他的后背，他咳出了兩枚一角的硬幣，她發(fā)狂似地朝正在外面的孩子父親喊道：“你兒子剛才吞下了一枚五分鎳幣，可咳出兩枚一角的硬幣！我該怎么辦。”

孩子他爸大聲回答道：“再喂他幾枚五分鎳。”

12.Lawyer and Engineer

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer, said."I'.here because my house burned down, and then insurance company paid for everything.""That'.quite a coincidence,"said the engineer."I'.here because my house destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer lookd somewhat confused."How do you start a flood."he asked.

律師與工程師

一個律師與一個工程師在加勒比海邊釣魚，律師說：“我到這里是因為我的房子被大火燒了，保險公司賠償了我所有的損。”“這太巧。”工程師說，“我是因為房子被洪水沖垮了，保險公司也賠償了所有的損。”

律師看起來有些困惑。“你是怎么引起洪水。”他不解地問。

13.I'.a Grandfather

I was elated when my son called me from Japan with the wonderful news of my grandson'.birth. I took down all an the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co‐workers."I'.a grandfather."I declared."It'.a baby boy, and he weighs seven pounds.""When was he born."someone asked. Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar and said in amazement."Tomorrow."

我當(dāng)爺爺了

當(dāng)我兒子從日本打電話來告訴我一個好消息，說我的孫子出生了的時候，我興奮極了。我把所有的情況都記下來，轉(zhuǎn)述給我的同事們。我宣布說：“我當(dāng)爺爺了！是個男孩，重七磅。”“什么時候出生的。”有人問道。我看著兒子告訴我的日期，突然頓住了，再看了看日歷，我驚訝地說：“明。”

14.A Burglar Can't Find Me Either

My brother got a call from a security firm that offered him a promotional burglar alarm at no charge. Happy to get something for free, he gave the caller directions to his farm. But no one showed up. The next morning the supplier called him to say that he was lost."I'.l try again to find you."he said."Never mind."said my brother."If you can't find me, I don't expect a burglar can either."

賊也找不到我

我弟弟接到保安公司的促銷電話，說要免費(fèi)給他提供防盜警報器。他聽說能免費(fèi)得到東西，就很高興地告訴了那個人怎么走到他的農(nóng)場。但卻沒有人來。第二天早上，那人打電話說他頭一天迷路了。“我會再找一次。”他說。我弟弟卻說：“沒關(guān)系，如果你都找不到我，那我想賊也不會找到。”

15.Use a Pencil

A lady got her doctor on the phone.

"Come quick, doc."she cried."My one‐year‐old boy just swallowed my fountain pen."

"I'.l come over as soon as possible,"sald the doctor."but there are several patients in my off ice now and you may not see me for two or three hours."

"Two or three hours."cried the lady."What shall I do in themeantime."

"Sorry, madam,"said the doctor."I am afraid you will have to use a pencil."

用鉛筆

一位女士給醫(yī)生打電話。

“大夫，快過。”她喊道，“我一歲的兒子剛才把我的自來水筆吞下去。”

“我會盡快趕過去。”醫(yī)生說，“但現(xiàn)在診所里還有幾個病人，你再等兩三個小時。”

“兩三個小。”那位女士大聲喊道，“這段時間我該怎么。”

“對不起，太。”醫(yī)生說，“恐怕你只能用鉛筆。”

16.They Are Directly from America

Not long after an old Asian woman came back to Asia from her visit to her daughter in the States. She went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering:

"Trust me, sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

從美國直接帶來的

一位亞洲老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行柜臺，銀行職員認(rèn)真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。這種做法讓.老婦人很不耐煩，最后實在忍耐不住說：

“相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來。”

17.Why Is She Screaming

Once a music teacher took her class to enjoy the first‐grand opera. The lights began to dim, the conductor began waving his baton, and the soprano started singing.

After a while, one of the students asked the teacher."Why does the conductor keep waving his stick at the woman？ What has she done."

So the teacher said."Oh. don't worry. It'.just the way it is. He won't hit her! Don't worry."

And so the student asked."Then why is she screaming."

她為何尖叫

一位音樂老師帶學(xué)生去欣賞一流的大型歌劇。當(dāng)燈光暗下來之后，歌劇指揮開始揮動他的指揮棒，女高音的歌聲隨之而響。

過了一會兒，一位學(xué)生問老師：“為什么指揮先生一直朝那位女士揮棒子呢？她做錯了什么事。”

老師回答：“噢！不要擔(dān)心，歌劇的演唱方式就是這樣，他不會打她的，你不要擔(dān)。”

學(xué)生又問：“那為什么她要這樣大聲尖叫。”

18.How Much do You Figure I Owe You

When a time operator found that his office safe had jammed, hecalled the nearby state prison asked whether any of the inmates mightknow how to open it.

Soon, a convict and a prison guard showed up at the office. The inmate spun the dials, listened intently and calmly opened the safedoor.

"I'.much obliged."said the mine operator."How much doyou figure I owe you."

"Well,"said the prisoner."the last time I opened a safe I got＄35, 00."

付多少錢

一名礦主發(fā)現(xiàn)辦公室的保險箱卡住了，就給附近的州監(jiān)獄打去了電話，問是否有囚犯知道怎樣打開保險箱。

不久，一名囚犯和監(jiān)獄看守就來到了他的辦公室。那個囚犯扭動號碼，仔細(xì)聽了聽，然后平靜地打開了保險箱門。

“非常感。”礦主說，“我要付給你多少。”

“。”那個囚犯說，“上次我打開一個保險箱，得到三萬五千美。”

19.I'.l Go There Myself in A Few Minutes

There was once a landlord who always pretended he was knowledgeable though he was completely unable to read or write.

One day when the landlord was chatting with his guests, a servant came in and gave him a letter that asked him to lend a cow.The landlord was afraid that his guests would know he was unable to read and write, so he opened the envelope and glanced over the words.Then he said to the servant,"OK, please tell him I'.l go there myself in a few minutes."

等會兒我自己過去

從前有一個地主既不會讀也不會寫，偏要裝作很有學(xué)問。

一天，地主正在和賓客們聊天，一個仆人走進(jìn)來遞給他一封信，信上請他出借一頭牛。地主害怕客人們知道他是個文盲，就打開信封，瞧了一眼信上的文字，然后對仆人說：“好吧，請告訴他，我等會兒自己過。”

20.Bad News

A man walked into a bar and asked for five shots of vodka. The bartender said."Five shots？ What'.wrong."

"I found out my older brother is a gay."replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for five shots of vodka."What now."asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is a gay."replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for five shots of vodka."Buddy, does anybody in your family like women."asked the bartender.

The man replied."Yeah, my wife does."

壞消息

一個男人走進(jìn)一家酒吧，要了五杯伏特加酒。侍者說：“五杯？出什么事。”

“我發(fā)現(xiàn)我哥哥是同性。”男人回答。

第二天晚上，他又走進(jìn)這家酒吧，又叫了五杯伏特加。“又怎么。”侍者問。

“我發(fā)現(xiàn)我弟弟是同性。”男人回答。

第三天晚上，男人再次走進(jìn)酒吧要了五杯伏特加。“老兄，難道你家里就沒人喜歡女人。”侍者問。

男人回道：“有，我妻。”

21.Logic Reasoning

A fifrth‐grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation."she said."A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank."

A girl raised her hand and asked."To draw out all of his savings."

邏輯推理

小學(xué)五年級的教師正在給學(xué)生們上一堂邏輯課。她舉了這么一個例子：“有樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進(jìn)了水里。于是開始掙扎并喊救命。他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他并不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什。”

一個女生舉手答道：“是不是去取他的存。”

22.That Was before I Tried It

A guy comes into the circus office and says."I can climb up the center tent pole, dive off with no tent, land on my head in the middle of the ring, stand up and take a bow—all for ＄30."

"I don't know,"says the ringmaster."I'.have to see it first."

So the guy climbs up, jumps, lands on his head, stands up and bows.

"Okay."shouts the ringmaster."You'.e hired for＄30."

"Not ＄300,"says the guy,"＄50."

"I thought you just said ＄30."complains the ringmaster.

The guy says."That was before I tried it."

試前價

一個人走進(jìn)馬戲團(tuán)辦公室說：“我可以爬到中場帳篷的支柱上，從帳篷的支柱上往下跳，頭朝下在表演場中央落地，站起來，鞠躬——全部費(fèi)用是三百美。”

“我不知道行不。”馬戲團(tuán)領(lǐng)班說，“我得先看看再。”

于是，那人爬上去，向下跳，頭先落地，站起來，鞠躬。

“。”馬戲團(tuán)領(lǐng)班大聲說道，“三百美元雇傭你。”

“不是三百美。”那人說，“是五百美。”

“我想你剛才是說三百美元。”領(lǐng)班抱怨說。

那人說：“那是我的試前。”

23.Goldberg

A teacher was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up. He would call on a student for translation and explanation, and he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the student wouldn't point this out to him.

After being called on five days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends.

The next day when the teacher said."Goldberg,translate and explain."

Goldberg replied."Goldberg is absent today."

"All right."said the teacher."You translate and explain."

戈德堡

一位老師講課時總是非常投入，從不抬頭，經(jīng)常讓一個學(xué)生翻譯解釋，而且日復(fù)一日都叫同一個學(xué)生。出于尊敬，那個學(xué)生并沒有給他指出這一點(diǎn)。

一個叫戈德堡的學(xué)生被一連叫了五天后，向朋友們請教辦法。

第二天，這位老師又說：“戈德堡，翻譯解。”

戈德堡回答說：“戈德堡今天沒。”

“好。”老師說，“你來翻譯解。”

24.An Unusual Way

A teacherof English had an unusual way to in struct com position. Once, as he called his class in order, the classroom burst open and in came a very attractive dark‐haired girl.

"Mary,"the teacher cried, leaping up from the desk."Mary,darling."

Then as a discussion started up in the classroom, he led the young girl to the door and closed it behind him.

A few seconds later he came in alone."That'.the end of the story."he announced."Now for our composition today. I want you to write the beginning and the middle."

不同尋常的方式

一名英語教師經(jīng)常用不同尋常的方式教授作文。有一次，他剛整頓好課堂秩序，教室門突然開了，隨后走進(jìn)來一位非常迷人的黑發(fā)女孩。

“瑪。”那位老師從桌邊一躍而起，大聲叫道，“瑪麗，親愛。”

這時，教室里響起了議論聲，那位老師將年輕女孩領(lǐng)出門，在身后關(guān)上了門。

過了一會兒，他獨(dú)自走進(jìn)教室。“這是故事的結(jié)。”他宣布說，“今天的作文，我要你們寫出故事開頭和中間部。”

25.Grass Eater

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside.

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass."he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food."the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house."

"But sir, I have a wife and four children."

"Bring them along."the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said."Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied."No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall."

吃草的人

一個男人坐在豪華轎車后座上，他看到路旁有人在吃草，于是讓司機(jī)停車，待他下車探個究竟。

“你為什么吃草。”他問那個男的。

“我沒錢買吃。”那個窮人回答。

“哦，請來我家。”

“但是先生，我還有妻子和四個孩子。”

“把他們都帶過來。”富人說。

他們都上了豪華轎車。開車后，那個窮人說：“先生，您太好了，謝謝您把我們?nèi)叶紟稀！?/p>

富人回答說：“不，你沒搞明白。我家的草都三英尺多高。”

26.How Did You Know He Was a Bandit

A woman went into a butcher shop one evening to buy some meat. A strange man followed her into the store and stood about while she was at the counter. Suddenly she screamed, and the man turned and ran out of the store, and fight into the arms of a passing patrolman. On searching him he was found to be armed. Later he was identified as a notorious hold‐up man.

"Mrs. Albert, if you hadn't screamed I would certainly have been robbed."declared the butcher gratefully.

"But how did you know he was a bandit."

"I didn't know,"protested Mrs. Albert."I screamed when you told me what the roast was going to cost me."

你怎么知道他是個強(qiáng)盜

一天晚上，一位女士到肉店買肉。一個奇怪的男人跟著她進(jìn)了店，當(dāng)她站在柜臺旁時，他也站在那里。突然她尖叫起來，這個男人轉(zhuǎn)身跑出了肉店，正好碰到了一個路過的巡警。經(jīng)過一番檢查，巡警發(fā)現(xiàn)他持有武器。然后他又被指認(rèn)是一名臭名昭著的搶劫犯。

“艾伯特太太，要不是你尖叫我一定就被偷。”屠戶感激地說道，“不過你怎么知道他是個強(qiáng)盜。”

“我不知。”艾伯特太太說，“你告訴我烤肉要花多少錢我才尖叫。”

27.Isn't It Quite Clear

One day his friend asked him."Why do people go hither and thither in all directions at dawn."

"Oh, isn't it a pity how foolish you are."was his reply.

"Isn't it quite clear？If all the people go in the same direction, won't the earth tilt on that side."

顯而易見

一天，朋友問他：“為什么天一亮人們就紛紛向不同方向走。”

“噢，你怎么這么。”他回答說，“這不是顯而易見的嗎？如果所有的人都往同一個方向走去，那地球不是要傾向一邊了。”

28.Americans and Japanese

When two Americans put a bunch of flowers on a friend's grave, they saw a Japanese laid a bowl of rice on the grave.

One American asked."When do you expect your friend to come and eat the rice."

The Japanese answered."When your friend comes to smell the flowers."

美國人和日本人

兩個美國人在一個朋友的墓前獻(xiàn)上了一束鮮花，這時他們看到一個日本人在朋友的墓前擺放了一碗米飯。一個美國人問道：“你覺得你的朋友什么時候能來吃米飯。”

日本人回答說：“當(dāng)你的朋友來聞這些花香。”

29.I Can Turn Him off Whenever I Please

After earning my degree in broadcast journalism, I was fortunate to land a job as a disc jockey at a top‐rated local radio station. One day before work, I stopped by my parents'.ouse, where my mother was chatting with some friends. She introduced me to everyone and proudly mentioned that I had my own radio show. How is it having a son who'.a popular radio personality."asked one friend."It'.worderful."mom replied with glee."For the first time in his life, I can turn him off whenever I please."

我可以隨意把他給關(guān)掉

在拿到廣播新聞學(xué)位后，我很幸運(yùn)地在當(dāng)?shù)匾患易詈玫膹V播電臺里找到了音樂節(jié)目主持人的工作。有一天上班前，我順便去了我爸媽家，我媽媽正跟她的朋友們聊天。她把我介紹給每一個人，還驕傲地說我有自己的廣播節(jié)目。她的一個朋友問：“有個受歡迎的電臺主持人兒子，感覺怎么樣。”我媽媽高興地說：“非常棒！自他出生以來，我頭一次可以隨意把他給關(guān)。”

30.Don't Let Him in

Brad was sitting by a window in his house one day in the middle of winter, when he heard women outside crying. He put his head out of the window and saw a lot of people coming towards his house. They were carrying a dead man, and the women were crying."Oh, why are you leaving us to go a place without light and without fire and without food？ It will be dark there, and you will be cold and hungry. Nobody will look after you, nobody will be kind to you, and nobody will love you there."

"My God."said Brad to his wife."They are talking about our house. They are bringing the dead man here! Quick, lock the door! Don't let him in."

別讓他進(jìn)來

隆冬的一天，布拉德坐在自家屋子的窗邊。這時，他聽到外面有幾個女人在哭。他把頭探出窗戶，看見好多人正朝他家走來。他們抬著一個死人，那幾個女人就一直在哭喊著：“噢，你為什么要拋下我們，到一個沒有光，沒有爐火也沒有食物的地方去？那里黑漆漆的，你會又冷又餓。那兒沒人會照顧你，沒人會對你好，也沒人會愛你。”

“天。”布拉德對他的妻子說，“他們在說我們家呢，他們要把死人抬到這里來了！快，把門鎖上！別讓他進(jìn)。”

31.Who Is Shakespeare

Two businessmen were invited to dinner at the home of a college professor. One of the men did not have much education and was worried that he might make a fool of himself, but his friend said."Don't worry. Just do what I do, and don't talk about that you don't really understand."

The first man managed to get through the dinner successfully, but by the end of the evening he had had a lot of drink, and began to get careless.

A guest asked him whether he liked Shakespeare, and he answered confidently."It'.very pleasant, but I prefer Scotch."

There was an uncomfortable silence in the room, and soon people began to leave.

When the two friends were out of the house, the second man said to his friend."You certainly made fool of yourself making that silly remark about Scotch."

"What do you mean."asked the other man."What was wrong with it."

"Everybody knows that Shakespeare isn't a drink,"his friend replied."It'.a kind of cheese."

莎士比亞是誰

兩個商人被一名大學(xué)教授邀請到家里吃晚飯。其中的一個商人文化水平不高，因此他擔(dān)心自己會做出蠢事，但是他的朋友說：“別擔(dān)心，我做什么你就做什么，并且不要談?wù)撘恍┠愀静欢臇|。”

這個商人成功地度過了晚餐時間，但到最后他喝了很多的酒，就開始大意了。

一位客人問他是否喜歡莎士比亞，他很自信地回答：“它很好，但是我更喜歡蘇格蘭威士。”屋子里一陣令人尷尬的沉默之后，人們紛紛離開了。

當(dāng)這兩位朋友離開房子之后，另一個商人對他的朋友說：“你的確犯傻了，你說蘇格蘭威士忌干。”

“什么意。”另一個男人問道，“這有什么問題。”

“所有人都知道莎士比亞不是一種飲。”他的朋友回答，“它是一種奶。”

32.The Young Archer

A duke is hunting in a forest with his men‐at‐arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow."Who is this incredibly fine archer."cries the duke."I must find him."

After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow.

Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows that the duke saw embedded in the centre of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you."asks the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing."says the duke."I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favor in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well,"said the boy."I'.e been doing it the same way since I was a very small lad. First I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."

年輕射手

一個公爵正在和他的武裝屬下及仆人在森林里打獵，這時他碰到一棵樹，上面畫滿了箭靶，每一個箭靶的正中心都插著一支箭。“誰有這么好的箭。”公爵叫道，“我必須找到。”

繼續(xù)穿越了一片森林后，他看見了一個拿著弓和箭的小男孩。

最后那個男孩承認(rèn)公爵看見的所有射中靶心的箭都是他射的。

“你不是走上去把箭插進(jìn)靶心的。”公爵悶悶不樂地問。

“不，閣下，我以我圣潔的靈魂發(fā)誓，我是從100步外射中靶子。”

“這實在太讓人吃驚。”公爵說，“我將許你為我服務(wù)，但我有一個要求：必須告訴我你是如何練出這么好的箭法。”

“好。”男孩說，“從很小的時候我就是這樣做的：首先我把箭射在樹上，接著我在它周圍畫上靶。”

34.I'.e Got the Airbag!

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 50 mph.The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,"Honey, I know we'.e been married for 10 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says,"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I'.e been having an affair with your best friend, and he'.a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says."I want the house."

Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says."I want the kids too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he'.up to 80 mph.

She says."I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says."Is there anything you want."

The husband says."No, I'.e got everything I need right here."

She asks."What'.that."

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph."I'.e got the airbag."

我有氣袋

一對夫妻正以每小時五十邁的速度驅(qū)車在州際公路上。丈夫在開車，妻子看著他跟他說：“親愛的，我知道我們結(jié)婚十年了，但是，我想離。”

丈夫什么也沒說，只是慢慢把車速加到六十邁。

妻子接著說：“我是不會改變主意的，因為我和你最好的朋友相愛了，他是一個比你好的愛。”

丈夫還是沒有開口，只是握緊方向盤讓車加速。

妻子又說：“我想要房。”

丈夫又提速了，現(xiàn)在開到七十邁。

妻子說：“我還想要孩。”

丈夫只是一味加速，直到八十邁。

妻子說：“我要車、存折，還有所有信用。”

丈夫慢慢把車轉(zhuǎn)向立交橋的橋基，妻子說：“你想要什。”

丈夫說：“沒有，我想要的東西恰巧都。”

妻子問：“想要什。”

就在車以九十邁的速度撞上橋基時，丈夫回答：“我有氣。”

35.Still a Bum

Brian was a light‐hearted, happy‐go‐lucky youth. He refused to take things seriously and used to laugh at the drop of a hat. His father, who had high hopes for him, ordered him out of the house."You are a bum. You will never amount to anything. Get out of my house. I don't want to waste my money on you. You are a bum, that'.what you are. Do you hear me."

So young Brian said goodbye to his family, and stepped into the cold world trying to make a living on his own. Fortunately, Brian had a beautiful tenor voice. After a couple of years'.ard work with a concert, he became a famous opera star. When his company in his hometown, the neighbors all advised his father to go and hear his son sing.

"Brian, an opera star？ Don't make me laugh. He is a bum and will remain one."was the old man'.reaction. But acting upon the repeated urging of his neighbors, he finally bought a ticket for the opening performance.

It so happened Pagliacci was on the bill, and Brian was playing the leading role, the clown. With a booming voice, he began the recitative to the famous aria vesti La Giuba.

"Recitar! Mentre preso...sforzati! Buh! Sei tu...Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah."Here, with sadness in his heart and tears in his eyes as the role calles for it, the poor little clown laughed bitterly. On hearing this, the old man got up and walked out muttering."See what I told you？ He laughs on such a solemn occasion. He'.no good. He'.still a bum."

仍是個混混

布萊恩是個無憂無慮的年輕人。他對任何事都漫不經(jīng)心，整天嘻嘻哈哈的。布萊恩父親曾經(jīng)對他寄予厚望，一怒之下將他趕出了家門：“你整天游手好閑，成不了大器，滾出去！我不想在你身上浪費(fèi)錢。你是個懶鬼，你這個混混，聽到了。”

于是布萊恩離開了家，踏入了這個冷酷的社會，靠自己養(yǎng)活自己。幸運(yùn)的是，他有一副男高音的嗓子。跟隨一位音樂大師刻苦地學(xué)習(xí)了幾年之后，他成了有名的歌劇明星。一次回家鄉(xiāng)演出時，鄰居們都勸父親去聽聽兒子的演唱。

“布萊恩，歌劇明星？別開玩笑了，他是個懶鬼，永遠(yuǎn)都。”這就是這位老人的反應(yīng)。可是，在鄰居的勸說下，他還是買了張首映演出的票。

那天演出的是《丑角》，布萊恩出演主角，扮演一個小丑，他激昂地唱著著名的獨(dú)唱曲《穿上彩衣》。

“大聲喊吧！粉末登場，你也是人嗎？你是小丑……哈哈。”此時由于角色的要求，他滿眼都是悲傷的淚水，表現(xiàn)出小丑的痛苦，這個可憐的小丑痛苦地大笑著。聽到這里，老人站起來，走出去，咕噥道：“看吧，我說什么啦？他都能在這種嚴(yán)肅的場合笑出來，他絲毫沒有長進(jìn)，他還是個混。”