上篇 詭異邏輯

1.Is That You,Tom

"How did you stop your husband staying late at the club."

"When he came in late I called out, ''Is that you, Tom?'and my husband's name is Robert."

是你嗎，湯姆

“你是怎么阻止你丈夫在俱樂部待到很晚。”

“當他很晚到家時，我就大聲朝外面喊：‘是你嗎，湯姆？'.的丈夫名叫羅伯。”

2.An Interesting Man

Big man （in a theatre, to a small boy sitting behind him）: Can you see, sonny？

Boy: No, sir, not at all.

Big man: Then just watch me and laugh when I do.

一位有趣的男人

大個男人（在劇院里對坐在身后的一個小男孩）：“小家伙，你看得見。”

男孩：“看不見，先生，一點兒也看不。”

大個男人：“那你就看著我，我笑的時候跟我一起笑。”

3.Harmful Movie

Theater Manager: Madam, you may not take dog into the thea‐ ter. I'.sorry it is not permitted.

Woman: That'.ridiculous! What harm could the movies do to a little dog like this？

有害的電影

劇院經理：夫人，您不能把狗帶進劇院，很抱歉，這是不允許的。

女士：真是荒謬！這些電影對這么小的一只狗有什么害處？

4.A Smart Housewife

A wife told her husband that her new dress didn't cost her anything.

"How'.that."her husband asked.

"Well, it was originally $90, but it reduced to $45, so I bought it with the $45 I saved."

精明的主婦

妻子告訴丈夫說她的新衣服沒花一分錢。

“這是怎么回事。”丈夫問她。

“哦，這件衣服原價是九十塊錢，但是現(xiàn)在降到了四十五塊錢，所以我是用省下的錢買。”

5.I Had to Change It Twice

Judge: I don't understand why you broke into the same store three nights in a row.

Prisoner: Well, Your Honor, I picked out a dress for my wife, and I had to change it twice because she didn't like the style.

不得不換兩次

法官：我真不明白你為什么連續(xù)三天夜里闖入同一家商店。

犯人：噢，閣下，我為我妻子挑選了一件衣服，因為她總是不喜歡衣服的樣式，所以，我才不得不去換了兩次。

6.Twenty Pounds

Brian was boasting to a fellow fisherman about a 20‐pound salmon he had caught.

"Twenty pounds."remarked the other guy, with skepticism."Were there any witnesses."

"Of course,"said Brian."otherwise it would have weighed 30 pounds."

二十磅

布賴恩在向一個漁夫吹噓他捕的一條二十磅的鮭魚。

“二十。”另一個人帶著懷疑的神情問道，“有什么證人。”

“當然有。”布賴恩說，“不然就會有三十磅。”

7.Borrow Money

Hardy: Jerry, would you lend me fifty dollars if I asked you？

Jerry: Yea, I suppose so.

Hardy: All right, then, lend me fifty, but give me twenty‐five of it.

Jerry: Okay. But why？

Hardy: Then you'.l owe me twenty‐five, and I'.l owe you twenty‐five, and we'.l be all square.

借錢

哈蒂：杰瑞，我要是向你借五十美元，你會借給我嗎？

杰瑞：會，我想會的。

哈蒂：好，那借給我五十美元，但你只要給我其中的二十五美元就行了。

杰瑞：可以。但為什么？

哈蒂：那樣的話，你就欠我二十五美元，我也欠你二十五美元。我們就兩清了。

8.Squeeze Twice for No

During a football game I saw one of the players took a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn't move. We grabbed our first‐aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man'.hand and urged."Son, can you hear me？ Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."

聽不見捏兩下

在橄欖球比賽中，我看到一個球員被撞得很厲害。他倒在地上，一動也不動。我們抓起急救設備，沖進運動場。教練抓住這個年輕人的手催促說：“孩子，你能不能聽見我說話？能聽見捏一下，聽不見捏兩。”

9.Card

"Do you have any anniversary‐birthday cards."a man asked the stationer.

"We have anniversary cards and we have birthday cards, but we don't carry one that combines both. Why."

"Simple,"replied the man."my wife is celebrating the fifteenth anniversary of her thirty‐fourth birthday."

卡片

“你們有生日周年紀念卡。”一位男士問文具商。

“我們有周年紀念卡，也有生日賀卡，但沒有兩者合一的賀卡。您為什么找這。”

“是這樣。”這位男士回答說，“我的妻子要慶祝她三十四歲生日的十五周年紀念。”

10.Never Mind

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car."They'.e stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, even the brake pedal." he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time."Never mind,"the drunk said with a hiccup."I got in the back seat by mistake."

不必擔心

一個醉漢打電話給警察局，聲稱小偷光顧了他的車。“他們偷走了儀表盤、右向盤，甚至連剎車腳板都偷走。”他大聲嚷嚷著。

然而在警察還沒有開始調查時，電話又一次響了起來。“沒事。”醉漢打著嗝說，“我不小心坐到了后座。”

11.Still Too Dear

An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into shop and asked the shopman."How much is this stuff."

"Seven dollars, madam, it is very cheap."

"It is too much, give it to me for thirteen."The lady said.

"I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven."

"It is still too much,"replied the old lady."give it some for five."

還是太貴

有位耳聾還總是嫌東西太貴的老太太走進一家商店。她問店員：“這東西要多少。”

“七美元，太太，這是很便宜。”

老太太說：“太貴了，十三美元差不。”

店員忙說：“我沒說十七美元，是七美。”

“還是太。”老太太說，“五美元，我就買。”

12.Paint House

After two‐week vacation, a man returned to his office and one of his fellow workers asked him what kind of time he'.had."I spent the whole two weeks helping my wife paint the rooms in our house."he groaned.

"Does she do that often."

"Well,"came the reply."when we moved in a few years ago, the guest room was nine by twelve. Now it'.eight by eleven."

刷房子

一位男士休假兩周后回到辦公室，他的一名同事問他過得怎樣。“我兩周全都用來幫我老婆給我們家房間刷漆。”他訴苦說。

“她經常干那活兒。”

“。”那個人答道，“我們幾年前搬進來時，客房長十二英尺、寬九英尺，現(xiàn)在長十一英尺、寬八英。”

13.A Reason to Live for

An elderly Morm on visits his doctor and asks if he'.l live to be a hundred.

"Do you smoke or drink."asks the doctor.

"Those things have never and will never touch my lips."says the man.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women."

"Nope, don't believe in doing any of chat, either."

"Well then."says the doctor."why the hell do you want to live to be a hundred."

活著的理由

一個年邁的摩門教徒去看醫(yī)生，并且問道自己是否能夠活到一百歲。

“你吸煙喝酒。”醫(yī)生問道。

“我從來不沾這些東。”老人說道。

“那你賭博、飆車或是和女人鬼混。”

“不，我從不做那些事。”

“既然如。”醫(yī)生說道，“那你何必要活到一百。”

14.Tony and Kyle

Tony and Kyle went off on their bikes for a picnic in the woods.They had one bottle of lemonade between them. Kyle went to explore while Tony unpacked the food. When he returned, he found the bottle was empty.

"Hey."he exclaimed crossly."Half of that was mine."

"I know,"said Tony."but I was thirsty, and as my half was at the bottom of the bottle I had to drink through yours to get to it."

托尼和凱爾

托尼和凱爾騎自行車去森林里野餐。他們帶了一瓶檸檬水。在托尼準備食物的時候，凱爾去探路。等到他回來后，發(fā)現(xiàn)瓶子空了。

“。”他生氣地嚷道，“這水有一半是我。”

“我知。”托尼說，“但是我非常渴，我的那一半在下面，所以我只好先把你的那半喝了才能喝到我的那一半。”

15.A Man with Two Badly Burned Ears

A man with two badly burned ears went to see his doctor.

"What happened."asked the doctor.

"Well,"began the man."my wife was ironing while I was watching the ball game on TV. She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the telephone rang, I answered the iron."The doctor nodded."But what happened to the other ear."

"No sooner had I hung up,"said the man."then the same guy called up again."

一個兩只耳朵嚴重燒傷的男人

一名兩只耳朵嚴重燒傷的男人來看醫(yī)生。

“發(fā)生了什么事。”醫(yī)生問道。

“。”這個男的開始說道，“我在看電視球賽的時候我妻子正在熨衣服。電話響起來的時候她把電熨斗放在電話邊，于是我把熨斗當我電話。”醫(yī)生點頭。“那你另一只耳朵是怎么回事。”

“我剛掛了電話不。”這個男人說，“同一個家伙又打來。”

16.Glad to Be Drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said."I'.e got to take you in, pal. You'.e obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked."Officer, are you absolutely sure I'.drunk."

"Yeah, buddy, I'.sure."said the cop."Let'.go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said."Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

很高興喝醉了

一個爛醉如泥的男人一只腳踩在人行道上，另一只腳踩在水溝里。在街上深一腳淺一腳地走著。一名警察叫住他，說：“我要把你收監(jiān)起來，老兄。很明顯你醉得不。”

我們這位朋友問：“長官，你真的確定我醉。”

“是的，老兄，我確。”警察說，“我們走。”

醉鬼松了一口氣，說：“謝天謝地，我還以為我瘸了。”

17.Is the General Expecting You

Gen.George Armstrong Custer is buried on the grounds of the United States Military Academy at West Point. Since I was driving through the area, I decided to pay my respects. At the gate, the distracted young MP put down her book, checked my ID and asked the purpose of my visit. I explained that I was there to visit General Custer. As she picked up her book, she asked."And is the general expecting you."

將軍在等你嗎

喬治·阿姆斯特朗·卡斯特將軍被葬在美國西點軍校的院子里。我正開車經過這個地區(qū)，于是就決定去瞻仰一下。在西點軍校門口，一個心不在焉的軍警放下手中的書，檢查了我的身份證，問我來此的目的。我解釋說，我是去拜訪卡斯特將軍的。她一邊拿起書一邊問道：“將軍在等你。”

18.What To Do

A guy comes to his family doctor and asks."Doctor, I'.about to get married and we'.e both virgins, so could you give me some pointers on what to do."

Seeing that he knew the young lad from birth, and being a bit embarrassed by the question, the doctor looks around and says."Look, son, see these two dogs on the front yard？ See what they are doing？ Go home and do the same thing."

Two months later they are talking again."How'.sex."asks the doctor."Great, but it'.kind a cold on our front yard."

怎么做

有位男子去找他的家庭醫(yī)師，他問：“醫(yī)生，我要結婚了，但我們兩個都是第一次，你可以告訴我們該怎么做。”

醫(yī)生是看著男子長大的，聽到這個問題有點兒不自在地看了周圍一下然后說：“看那邊，看到院子里的兩只狗嗎？看到它們在做什么嗎？回家照著做就沒錯。”

兩個月后，他們又見面時，醫(yī)生問：“性生活如。”男子回答說：“很好啊，只是在院子里做真的有點。”

19.Race

A Japanese company and an American company had a boat race; the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans hired analysts to figure out what went wrong. They reported that the Japanese had one person managing and seven rowing, while the Americans had seven managing and only one rowing. The American company immediately reconstructed its team.Now they had one senior manager, six management consultants and one rower.

In the rematch the Japanese won by two miles. So the American company fired the rower.

比賽

一家日本公司和一家美國公司進行劃船比賽；日本公司領先一英里獲勝。

美國公司雇了一些賽場分析員。那些分析員報告說，日本公司有一名管理人員和七名劃船手，而美國公司則有七名管理人員，只有一名劃船手。美國公司馬上進行了重新編組。這次，他們有一名高級管理人員、六名管理顧問和一名劃船手。

在第二場比賽中，日本人以兩英里的優(yōu)勢大獲全勝。于是，美國公司解雇了劃船手。

20.Keep the Change

Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospecitive customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 25 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for 10 or 15 cents each.

I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents.Triumphantly, he paid with a $10 bill."Keep the change."he said.

不用找零錢

在教堂的義賣市上賣舊書時，我與一名準備買東西的顧客發(fā)生了一場爭執(zhí)。

他對《奧金·納什袖珍集》頗感興趣，但是說它二十五美分的開價過高，其他的平裝書每本才賣十或十五美分。

我向他指出這本書保存狀況很好，納什是個有趣的詩人，賣這個價錢是合理的。他說這是個原則問題。最后，我答應十五美分賣給他。他得意洋洋，拿出一張十美元的票子付賬。“零錢不用找。”他說。

21.Rain

A group of Texas farmers asked President Carter for emergency funds because of a bad drought. President Carter had to refuse. But he decided to fly to Texas to explain why.

On the day he arrived in Texas, it was raining very hard."You asked me for money,"he said in his speech to the farmers."I could not get you the money. So instead I brought you some rain."

雨

因為嚴重干旱，所以一群得克薩斯州農民向卡特總統(tǒng)要應急基金。卡特總統(tǒng)不得不拒絕，但他決定乘飛機前往得克薩斯州解釋原因。

他到達得克薩斯州那天，雨下得很大。“你們向我要。”他對那些農民講道，“我沒能給你們帶來錢，但我給你們帶來了一些。”

22.We Didn't Step on It

One day three brothers were walking around the park when they came across something in the middle of their path."It looks like shit."said the first brother."I'.better check it out."He leaned forward and took a deep breath."Smells like shit."he said.

The second brother walked closer and stuck his finger inside it and felt."Feels like shit."he said.

The third brother poked it and put it inside his mouth and said."Tastes like shit."The three brothers finally relaxed and said."Good thing we didn't step on it phew."

還好沒踩到

一天，三兄弟在公園里散步時，看到路中央有什么東西。“看起來像是大。”大哥說道，“我最好查看一。”他彎下腰去聞了聞，說道：“聞著也像大。”

二哥走上前去，把手指伸進去感受了一下說道：“摸著也像大。”

三弟把手插進去然后放到嘴里說道：“嘗起來也像大。”三兄弟終于松了口氣說道：“還好我們沒有踩到。”

23.An Ad

After a beautiful purebred puppy wandered onto our back porch and made himself at home, my husband composed an ad for th."Lost and Foun."column of the local newspaper.

It read."A puppy, male, approximately nine months old, no collar, very friendly, found on Rockbridge Road."

I feared all the detail might encourage an unscrupulous person to claim the dog. As I methodically explained why each clue revealed too much. My husband dutifully crossed out the words. Finally, in frustration, he rewrote the ad, reducing it to a single sentence that I couldn't refute.

It read."Guess what I found."

一則廣告

一只漂亮的純種狗來到我們的后門廊并以此為家了。我丈夫在當地的“失物。”欄目登了一則廣告，是這樣寫的：“小狗，雄性，年齡近九個月，無項圈，很友善，發(fā)現(xiàn)于石橋。”

我擔心這樣的細節(jié)會給那些昧著良心要狗的人以可乘之機。我有條不紊地解釋為什么每個線索都透露得太多后，他就盡職地劃去一些詞。終于，他非常沮喪地重新寫了一則廣告，把它縮為一個我無法反駁的句子。

是這樣寫的：“猜猜我撿到了什。”

24.Who Dares Move Me

A person has a bad toothache but he feared the pain of pulling out the tooth. So he has been afraid to go to the dentist. But this time it was really unbearable. Then he summoned up courage to go to see a dentist.

But when he saw the pliers stretching into his mouth, he was too fearful to let the physicians continue! So the dentist asked the assistant to get him a whiskey.

Then asked him."Now has the courage."

He is honest to answer."No."

Then give him the second cup...the third cup."Wait."

The dentist asked him."What is the matter now."

The patient shouted."I want to see who dares to touch my teeth."

誰敢動我

有個人牙疼但他又怕拔牙會更痛，所以一直不敢去看牙醫(yī)。但是這次他實在是受不了了，于是就鼓起勇氣去看牙醫(yī)。

但當他看到鉗子要伸入他口中時，卻又怕得不敢讓醫(yī)生動手。于是醫(yī)生要旁邊的助手去給他拿一杯威士忌酒。

然后問他：“現(xiàn)在有勇氣了。”

他老實回答說：“沒。”

于是再給他第二杯……第三杯……“等。”

牙醫(yī)問他：“又怎么。”

病人咆哮道：“我想看看誰敢來動我的牙。”

25.Vow of Silence

At a remote monastery deep in the woods，the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas. By one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said."I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast."Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said."I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them."Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Luke rose and said."I am fed up with this constant bickering."

沉默誓言

在樹林深處的一家僻靜的修道院里，修道士們都遵守著一條嚴格的沉默誓言。這誓言一年中只能在圣誕節(jié)那天被一個修道士打破，而且這名修道士只能說一句話。

某個圣誕節(jié)輪到托馬斯教友講話，他說：“我喜歡那道每年配著圣誕節(jié)烤肉吃的土豆。”然后他坐下。接下來是三百六十五天的沉默。

第二個圣誕節(jié)到了，輪到邁克爾教友了，他說：“我覺得那土豆泥非常粗糙，我真的討厭它。”接下來又是三百六十五天的沉默。

接下來的圣誕節(jié)上，盧克教友站起來說：“我真的厭煩了這種持續(xù)不斷的爭。”

26.How Will I Find My Ring There

Mason had a shed behind his house. It had no lights in it. One night he went out to the shed to get his ladder, and lost his ring there. He left the ladder, went out into the street and began to look around.

One of his friends saw him in the street outside his house, and said to him."Hello, Mason. What are you looking for."

"My ring."answered Mason."It fell off my finger. It is a silver ring with a red stone in it."

"Oh, yes."said his friend."I remember it. I will help you to look for it. Where did you lose it."

"In my shed."

"But why don't you look for it there."

"Don't be stupid! It is quite dark in my shed. So how will I find my ring there？ Here there is light from the lamps in the street."

在那兒怎么找得到我的戒指

梅森家房子后面有一間棚屋，屋里沒有電燈。一天晚上，他去棚屋拿梯子，把戒指弄丟在里面了。

他扔下梯子，跑到大街上到處尋找起來。

他的一個朋友看見他在屋外的大街上，就對他說：“喂，梅森，你在找什么。”

“我的戒。”梅森答道，“它從我手指上掉下來了。是枚銀戒指，還鑲了一顆紅寶。”

“哦，知道。”他的朋友說，“我記得它，我來幫你找吧。你是在哪兒弄丟。”

“在我的棚屋。”

“那你為什么不去那里。”

“別傻了！棚屋里那么黑，在那兒怎么找得到我的戒指？這街上有路燈照著。”

27.The Drunk

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender."Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man'.order and says."That will be$42. 50, please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar, including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk'.instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So, the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says."What, no drink for me."

"Oh, no! You get violent when you drink."

醉鬼

一個醉鬼走進一家酒吧，對酒吧侍者說：“我請所有人喝酒，也包括。”

侍者遵照了醉鬼的指示，對他說：“一共42.50美。”

醉鬼說他沒錢，于是侍者揍了他一頓把他扔了出去。

第二天晚上，這個醉鬼又來了，又請酒吧里的所有人喝酒，也包括那名侍者。同樣，侍者按照醉鬼說的做了，醉鬼說他沒錢，于是，侍者又揍了他一頓把他扔了出去。

第三天晚上，他又來了，醉鬼給酒吧里所有人點了酒，除了那名侍者。

侍者說：“怎么？不請我喝。”

“噢，不！你一喝酒就有暴力傾。”

28.I Don't Want It Either

One day Mrs. Mark went shopping. When her husband came home in the evening, she began to tell him about a beautiful cotton dress."I saw it in a shop this morning."she said."and."

"And you want to buy it."said her husband."How much does it cost."

"Fifteen pounds."

"Fifteen pounds for a cotton dress？ That is too much."

But every evening, when Mr. Mark came back from work, his wife continuted to speak only about the dress, and at last, after a week, he said."Oh, buy the dress！Here is the money."She was very happy.

But the next evening, when Mr. Mark came home and asked."Have you got the famous dress？She said."No."

"Why not."he said.

"Well, it was still in the window of the shop after a week so I thought that nobady else wants this dress, so I don't want it either."

我也不想要了

一天，馬克太太去買東西。晚上她丈夫一回到家，馬克太太就對他講起一條漂亮的棉布連衣裙。“我早上在一家商店看到。”她說，“于是。”

“于是你就想買下。”她丈夫接著說道，“這裙子多少。”

“十五英。”

“一條棉布裙子就要十五英鎊？太貴了。”

每天晚上馬克先生下班回到家，他妻子都在不停地嘮叨那條連衣裙，一周后，馬克先生終于說：“哎，把它買下來吧！給你。”馬克太太高興極了。

但是，第二天晚上馬克先生回到家后問：“你把那條完美的連衣裙買回來。”她卻回答說：“沒。”

“為什么沒。”他問。

“哦，它在那家商店的櫥窗里都擺了一星期了，所以我就想，別人都不想要這件連衣裙，那我也不想要。”

29.The Hard Five Minutes

One morning Mrs. Jerome said to her husband."there'.a meeting for our ladies'.lub at Mrs. Young'.house at lunch time today, and I want to go to it. I'.l leave you some food for your lunch. Is that all right."

"Oh, yes,"her husband answered."that'.quite all right. What are you going to leave for my lunch."

"This tin of fish,"Mrs. Jerome said."and there are some cold, boiled potatoes and some beans here, too."

"Good."Mr. Jerome answered."I'.l have a good lunch."

So Mrs. Jerome went to her meeting. The ladies had lunch at Mrs. Young'.house, and at three o'.lock Mrs. Jerome came home.

"Was your fish nice."she asked.

"Yes, but my feet are hurting."he answered.

"Why are they hurting."Mrs. Jerome asked.

"Well, the words on the tin were:'Open tin and stand in hot water for five minutes.'.

難忍的五分鐘

杰羅姆太太對丈夫說：“今天午餐時間我們婦女俱樂部要在楊太太家開會，我想參加。我給你留些吃的作為午餐。行不。”

“噢，。”她丈夫回答，“當然行啦。那我中午吃什。”

“這個魚罐。”杰羅姆太太說，“還有些涼了的熟土豆和扁。”

“。”杰羅姆先生回答道，“那中午我就可以美餐一頓。”

于是杰羅姆太太就去參加會議了。所有的女士都在楊太太家享用了午餐，三點鐘杰羅姆太太回到家。

“你那魚味道怎么。”她問道。

“好吃啊，不過我的腳疼著。”他回答。

“腳怎么會。”杰羅姆太太問。

“是這樣的，罐頭上寫著：打開罐頭，在開水里站（放置）五分鐘。

30.The Pope Himself Drives

The Pope arrived at JFK and he was met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip‐on tie, holding a hand‐lettered sign that said."Pope."

After getting all the Pope'.luggage loaded in the limo—his holiness didn't travel light—the driver noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope."said the driver in accented English."why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo."

"Well, to tell you the truth."said the Pope."they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'.really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules."protested the driver, wishing he'.never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you."said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 110 mph.

"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope."pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren.

"Oh, my god, now I am surely losing my license."moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the windon as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio."I need to talk the Chief."he said to the dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'.stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him."said the Chief.

"I think the guy'.a big shot."said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really a big shot."said the cop.

"What'.you got there, the Mayor."

"Bigger."

"The Governor."

"Bigger."

"Well,"said the Chief."who is it."

"I don't know." said the cop."but he'.got the Pope driving for him."

教皇本人親自開車

羅馬教皇來到美國國際機場。一個穿著劣質西服、戴著領帶的司機舉著手寫的“。”的牌子，在領取行李的地方等著接機。

把教皇的行李——教皇的行李非常多——都裝進高級轎車后，司機看見教皇還站在路邊，沒有離開的意思。

“嘿，教皇先。”司機用帶著濃重口音的英語說，“你怎么不上車。”

“好吧，實話跟你。”教皇說，“我非常喜歡開車，可在梵蒂岡，他們從不讓我開。”

“那是違反規(guī)章制度。”司機很不樂意，后悔當初不該離開加爾各答。

“我會給你一份額外的報。”教皇說。

司機極不情愿地坐到后座的位置，教皇坐在了駕駛的位置。離開機場后，教皇已經提速到每小時105英里，這時候司機開始后悔了。

“別開這么快啊，教皇先。”司機很擔心，央求道。可教皇還是繼續(xù)踩油門，這時他們聽到了警笛聲。

“哦，天啊，我一定會被吊銷駕照。”司機絕望地呻吟著。

當警察追過來時，教皇靠邊停下來，搖下了車窗。警察看了他一眼，回到自己的摩托車旁，拿起對講機。

“我要接通局。”警察說道。

接通后，警察報告說，他剛截獲了一輛時速為110英里的高級轎車。

“那把他銬起。”局長說。

“我覺得他是個大人。”警察說。

“那理由就更充分。”

“不是，我說他真是個很大的人。”警察說。

“你到底逮到誰了啊？市。”

“更。”

“州。”

“更。”

“好。”局長說道，“到底誰。”

“我不知。”警察說，“但是教皇為他開。”

31.City Fellow

The city fellow asked his friend the country boy to take him deer hunting, as he had never been hunting before. The country boy agreed to this, as long as the city fellow did exactly what he was told to do.

The two men got their gear together and went into the woods. The country boy told the city fellow to sit down on a log that lay beside a deer trail, and that if he stayed quiet and waited, the deer would come right by him on the way to the creek, and he would be able to get a good shot. The country boy said that he was going to go on down the trail about a mile to another good spot, and he would be back to meet the city fellow later.

But a few hours later, the country boy heard all kinds of yelling and screaming as the city fellow came running down the trail."Well, what'.wrong with you."he asked the city fellow."Why didn't you stay where I told you to."

The city fellow, still very excited, replied."Well, when the bobcat came over and sharpened his claws on the log, I didn't move. When the bear came and sat on the other end of the log, I didn't move. But when the two squirrels came up, climbed onto my lap and then one said to the other, 'Shall we take them with us or eat them here'.well I just couldn't stand it any more."

城里人

一個城里人請求他的朋友，一個農村男孩，帶他去獵鹿，因為他從來沒有打過獵。農村男孩答應了他，條件是城里人必須按照他的要求去做。

兩人帶著獵槍進了樹林。農村男孩叫城里人坐在一根躺在鹿蹄印邊的圓木上，并告訴他如果他靜悄悄地耐心等待，當鹿在去小溪的路上經過他身邊時，他就可以開槍了。農村男孩說他自己要沿著蹄印向前走一英里左右到另一個射擊點，一會兒再回來。

可是過了一段時間，城里人大叫大嚷地沿著蹄印跑來！“怎么。”農村男孩問城里人，“你怎么不待在我叫你待的地。”

城里人仍然很激動，他回答說：“當野貓跑過來把它的爪子扒在那圓木上時我沒有動；當熊過來坐在圓木的另一端時我也沒動；可是當兩只松鼠過來爬在我的大腿上，其中一只對另一只說：‘我們是把它們拿回去呢還是在這兒吃'.我實在不能再忍受。”

32.A Cheapskate

Edward and his wife lived in the country. Edward was very stingy and hated spending money. One day a fair came to the nearby town.

"Let'.go to the fair, Edward."his wife said."We haven't been anywhere for a long time."

Edward thought about this for a while. He knew he would have to spend money at the fair. At last he said."All right, but I'.not going to spend much money. We'.l look at things, but we won't buy anything."

They went to the fair and looked at all the things to buy.

There were many things Edward's wife wanted to buy, but he would not let her spend any money.

Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small airplane.

"Fun flights."the notice said,"$10 for 10 minutes."

Edward had never been in an airplane and he wanted to go on a fun flight. However, he didn't want to have to pay for his wife, as well.

"I'.e only got $10"he told the pilot."Can my wife come with me for free."

The pilot wasn't selling many tickets, so he said."I'.l make a bargain with you. If your wife doesn't scream or shout, she can have a free flight."

Edward agreed, and got into the small airplane with his wife.

The pilot took off and made his airplane do all kinds of things. At one moment it was flying upside down.

When the plane landed, the pilot said."OK. Your wife didn't make a sound. She can have her ride free."

"Thank you."Edward said."It wasn't easy for her, you know, especially when she fell out."

小氣鬼

愛德華和妻子住在鄉(xiāng)下。愛德華很摳門，不愿花錢。一天，附近的鎮(zhèn)子逢集。

“我們去趕集吧，愛德。”妻子說，“我們好長時間哪里也沒去過。”

愛德華想了一會兒，他知道在集市上一定得花錢。最后，他說：“好吧，但我不打算花太多錢，我們只看不。”

他們去集市，看看所有可買的東西。有很多東西愛德華的妻子都想買，但愛德華就是不讓她買。

后來，在附近的露天場地，他們看到一架小飛機。

“有趣飛。”海報上寫著，“10分鐘10美。”

愛德華從來沒坐過飛機，所以他想乘一次小飛機。然而，他不想付妻子的票錢。

“我只帶了10美。”他對飛行員說，“我妻子能免費和我一起乘飛機。”

飛行員沒賣出多少票，所以他說：“我和你做個交易，如果你的妻子不尖叫或呼喊，她就能免費飛。”

愛德華表示同意，就和妻子一起坐進了飛機。

飛機起飛了，飛行員讓飛機做出各種各樣的動作。有一會兒飛機倒栽蔥飛行。

飛機著陸時，飛行員說：“行，你的妻子一聲不響，就不用買票。”

“謝。”愛德華說，“你知道，這對她并不容易，尤其是她剛才掉下去的時。”

下篇 各有所思

1.Who Do You Think You Are

The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn't let him aboard.

"It is too crowded."they shouted."Who do you think you are."

"I am the driver."he said.

你以為你是誰

公共汽車上很擠，當又一個人還是試圖上車時，乘客們不讓他上。

“車上太擠。”他們喊道，“你以為你是。”

“我是司。”他說。

2.Walks Normally

A rancher asked a vet for some advice.

"I have a horse,"he said."that walks normally sometimes and limps sometimes. What shall I do."

The vet replied,"The next time he walks normally sell him."

走得正常

一個牧場主向一名獸醫(yī)征求建議。

“我有一匹。”他說，“它有時走得正常，有時一瘸一拐。我該怎么。”

獸醫(yī)回答說：“下次它走得正常時，把它賣。”

3.Things Go Athwart

A film studio painted a sign on the roof in letters eight feet high, reading QUIET PLEASE.

Instead of keeping noisy airplanes away, the sign brought planes roaring down even lower so pilots could read what it wrote.

事與愿違

一家電影公司在房頂上刷了一個8英尺高的字母指示牌，上面寫著“請。”。

然而，這標志不但沒有讓嘈雜的飛機遠離，反而讓飛機飛得更低，這樣飛行員才能看清上面寫的字。

4.I Must Be God

With a dog, you feed him, you give him plenty of affection, you take him for walks and he thinks."Wow, this guy must be God."

With a cat, however, you feed him, you love him, you care for him and he thinks."Wow, I must be God."

我一定是上帝

對狗來說，你喂它，付出很多感情，帶它散步，它會這樣想：“哇，這人一定是上。”

然而，對貓來說，你喂它，愛它，關心它，它會想：“哇，我一定是上。”

5.That'.No Good to Me

A doctor advised a very fat man to take up golf for exercise."That'.no good to me."said the patient."I'.e tried it before. If I put the ball where I can hit it I can't see it, and if I put it where I can see it I can't hit it!’

對我沒用

一名醫(yī)生勸告一個非常胖的男人打高爾夫球進行鍛煉。

“那對我沒。”病人說，“我以前曾試過。如果把球放在我能擊到的位置，我就看不見它；如果把球放在我能看到的位置，我就擊不到。”

6.Found Two

Two police officers found three hand grenades in the street and decided to take them to the police station.

"What if one of them exploded."asked the younger officer.

"It doesn't matter."reassured the other."We'.l say we only found two."

發(fā)現(xiàn)兩顆

兩個警官在大街上發(fā)現(xiàn)三顆手榴彈，決定將它們帶回警察局。

“要是其中一顆爆炸，怎么。”年輕警官問道。

“沒關。”另一名警官安慰說，“我們就說只發(fā)現(xiàn)兩。”

7.I'.Going to Sell the Car

An over‐speeding motorist was waved down by a police patrol car."I'.going to give you a ticket for speeding."said the policeman, writing his note."You'.e been driving over 60 miles per hour."

"Would you mind making it 100, officer."was the reply."You see. I'.going to sell the car."

打算賣這輛車

一名超速行駛的司機被巡邏警車攔住后，警察一邊記錄，一邊說：“我要給你開一張超速罰單，你剛才的時速已經超過了六十英。”

“警官，請你把時速寫為一百英里好嗎？我打算賣了這輛。”司機回答說。

8.Without a Stove

When my daughter Chloe attended the university, she missed the dishes native to our home. One night she phoned and asked me to send her the ingredients for it.

"I'.be happy to send the makings."I said."But how will you prepare them without a stove."

"No problem, mom."she said."I'.l use my iron."

沒有火爐

我的女兒克洛伊去上大學時，非常想吃我們家鄉(xiāng)風味的菜。

有一天夜里，她打電話要我把那些配料寄給她。

“我很高興寄給你那些配。”我說，“可沒有火爐，你怎么做。”

“沒問題，媽。”她說，“我用熨。”

9.Like My Father

The school of agriculture'.dean of admissions was inter‐viewing a prospective student."Why have you chosen this career."he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father."the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming."echoed the dean.

"No,"replied the applicant."but he always dreamed of it."

像父親一樣

農校招生辦主任在面試一個有意求學的學生。“你為什么要選擇這個職。”他問。

“我夢想經營農場來賺100萬美元，就像我父親一。”這個學生回答說。

“你父親經營農場賺了100萬美。”主任反問道。

“沒。”申請人答道，“但這一直是他的夢。”

10.Upset Is Unhealthy

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist."You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly,"

On her next visit, the psychiatrist asked."Have the tranquilizers calmed you down."

"Yes."The boy'.mother answered.

"And how is your son now."The psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares."The mother replied.

心煩即病

心理醫(yī)生給一個問題兒童的母親提建議：“你對你兒子太過擔憂和不安了，我建議你定期吃鎮(zhèn)靜。”

她再次來訪的時候，醫(yī)生問：“這些鎮(zhèn)靜劑有讓你平靜下來。”

“是。”孩子的母親回答。

“那么你兒子現(xiàn)在怎么樣。”醫(yī)生問道。

“誰在。”母親回答。

11.Looking for My Car Keys

On his first visit to a produce market, an inexperienced shopper saw a man at the watercress stall systematically picking up each troy carton of cress, peering closely at it. Turning it upside down and finally shaking it.

Eager to learn something, the new shopper asked if the man would mind divulging the secret of his odd behavior.

"Not at all,"the man replied."I'.looking for my car keys."

找車鑰匙

一個沒有經驗的顧客第一次去農產品市場時，看見一個人在賣水田芥的攤子前有條不紊地把水田芥一盒盒拿起來細細端詳，還把它倒過來看，最后還抖了抖。

這個新來的購物者很想學點竅門，便問那人是否愿意透露一下他那反常行為的秘密。

“什么秘密也沒。”那人回答說，“我是在尋找我的汽車鑰。”

12.The Perplexed Clerk

Heavily laden with groceries, my wife asked a young clerk at the grocery store to accompany her to her car. Arriving there, she opened the doors and, without thinking, sat down in the back seat to check off her list. A moment later the perplexed clerk walked around the car to my wife."Lady,"he said firmly."I don't mind helping you load your groceries, but I really got to draw the line at driving you home."

困惑的店員

我妻子拎了一大堆雜貨，于是就讓雜貨店的一個年輕店員幫她把東西送到車上。到了車邊，她打開車門，想都沒想就坐在后座上清點她的購物清單。過了一會兒，那個困惑的員工從車后繞過來，走到我妻子旁邊，用強硬的語氣說：“太太，我很樂意幫您把東西裝上車，但我實在是不能開車送您回。”

13.I'.Not Married

A soldier went to his colonel and asked for leave to go home to help his wife with the housecleaning.

"I don't like to refuse you,"said the colonel."but I'.e just received a letter from your wife saying that you are no use around the house."

The soldier saluted and turned to go. At the door he stopped.

"Colonel, there are two persons in this regiment who handle the truth loosely, and I'.one of them. I'.not married."

我還沒結婚

一名士兵到上校那里，要求請假回家?guī)椭拮忧鍜叻课荨?/p>

“我不想回絕。”上校說，“但我才收到你妻子的一封來信，說你在家也沒。”

士兵敬禮轉身欲走。到門口時，他停了下來說：“上校，團里說話不靠譜的有兩個人，我就是其中一個，我還沒結。”

14.I Had to Kiss Him

During the doctor'.periodic visit to my elderly mother, I told him that Mother would be celebrating her 98th birthday in few days. Delighted by the news, he bent down and gave her a kiss for the occasion. He then announced that he, too, would be celebrating a birthday in few days and asked for a kiss in return.

When he left, my mother shook her head."Can you imagine."

she said."Seventy dollars and I had to kiss him too."

我還得吻他

醫(yī)生定期來看我的老母親。我告訴他說，母親過幾天就要慶祝九十八歲生日了。醫(yī)生聽了很高興，就彎下腰吻了她一下，然后說過幾天他也要慶祝自己的生日，并要求她還他一個吻。

醫(yī)生走后，母親搖搖頭說：“你能想象嗎？付了七十塊錢，我還得吻。”

15.Someone'.Deodorant Isn't Working？

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditoning system.

There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said."Oh, man! Someone'.deodorant isn't working."

An overweight man in the corner replied."It can't be me, I'.not wearing any."

誰的除臭劑不管用了？

那天空調壞了，辦公室里特別熱。

大約有二十個人擠在一起，即使是開著電扇，大家也都是熱得汗流不止。突然，空氣中有一股氣味彌漫開來，大家都皺起了鼻子。那氣味真是太難聞了。

一個人從他的隔間探出頭說道：“哎呀，是不是誰的除臭劑不管用。”

一個坐在角落里的胖男人說：“肯定不是我的，我今天根本就沒。”

16.Stupid Question

Joe was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him."What'.the time, please."

After a few months, Joe said to himself."I'.not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'.going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here."Then he did so.

"Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time."he thought happily. But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Joe."Is that clock right."

笨問題

喬在一個大城市的某個俱樂部當門衛(wèi)。每天都有數千人經過他的門口，而且許多人都會停下來問他：“請問現(xiàn)在幾點。”

幾個月后，喬想：“我不想再回答這些蠢人提出的問題了，我要去買一只大鐘，把它掛在這兒的墻。”然后他就這樣做了。

“現(xiàn)在人們總不會再停下來問我時間。”他高興地想。可是打那以后，每天仍有許多人停下來，看看鐘，然后問喬：“這鐘準。”

17.Poisonous or Not

I'.a medical student currently doing a research in toxicology at the Poison Control Center. Today, a woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful, and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

中毒沒有

我是一個醫(yī)科學生，最近正在毒物控制中心作研究。今天，一個女人打來電話，十分沮喪，因為她發(fā)現(xiàn)她的小女兒在吃螞蟻。我馬上讓她放心，告訴她說螞蟻是無毒的，沒必要把她女兒帶到醫(yī)院來。

她冷靜下來，談到最后卻碰巧提到她給她女兒吃了些毒死螞蟻的藥。我告訴她說，最好立刻帶她女兒去急診室。

18.Legal Consultation Service

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

The butcher called up his neighbor and said."Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat."

The lawyer replied."Of course, how much was the roast."

“$7.9。”said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.Attached to it was an invoice that read."Legal Consultation Service: $10".

法律咨詢費

一條狗跑進一家肉店，從柜臺上銜起一塊肉就跑。肉店老板認出那是鄰居的一只狗，鄰居碰巧是一名律師。

肉店老板向鄰居打去電話說：“嘿，如果你的狗從我的肉店里偷了一大塊烤肉，你愿意賠我的肉錢。”

律師回答說：“當然可以，烤肉多少。”

“7.98。”肉店老板說。

幾天后，肉店老板收到了一張7.98元的支票，和那張支票寄

來的還有一張發(fā)票，上面寫道：法律咨詢費：100。

19.The Discovery

Visiting the National Museum of the American Indian in Washington, D. C. I was admiring a beautiful tribal elder headdress decorated with eagle feathers. A man came up to me and identified himseif as Native American."Do you know how warriors got those."the man asked, pointing to the feathers."They covered a hole with brush, tied a live rabbit on top of it and hid underneath. When an eagle swooped down for the kill, they would grab its wing or tail."Fascinating."I said."Did you see it yourself.""Actually, no,"the man confessed."I saw it on the Discovery Channel."

探索發(fā)現(xiàn)

在華盛頓參觀美國印第安人國家博物館的時候，我很欣賞一件漂亮的部落長老頭飾，是用老鷹羽毛裝飾的。一個男人朝我走來，說自己是美國的原住民。“你知道那些勇士是怎么拿到這些的。”那個人指著羽毛問我，然后說，“他們用灌木叢擋住洞口，把一只活兔子拴在上面，而自己躲在洞里。老鷹俯沖下來捕捉獵物的時候，他們就會抓住老鷹的翅膀或者尾。”“真帶。”我說，“你親眼看見。”那個人承認說：“其實不是，我是在‘探索發(fā)現(xiàn)'.道上看到。”

20.The Generous Bosses

On a visit to the United States, a tourist met a man who had immigrated to this country.

"What do you do for a living here."the tourist asked him.

"My brother, my sister and I work in a big factory."

"How do these bosses treat you.""Just fine."answered the man."In fact, if you are walking home from work, the boss picks you up in his big car and drives you to your door. Another time, he treats you to a dinner in an expensive restaurant. Sometimes he takes you home for the weekend and buys you presents."

The tourist was stunned."How often does this happen."

"Well, to me, actually never. But to my sister, several times."

慷慨的老板

在美國旅游期間，一位游客見到了一位移民到此處的人。

“你在這里做什么工作。”游客問道。

“我哥哥、我姐姐和我在一家大工廠工。”

“那些老板對你們怎么。”“還好。”那人回答，“事實上，如果你走著去上班，老板會開很大的車去接你并且下班把你送到家門口。有時候，他會請你到一家價格不菲的餐館吃飯。有時候還會帶你去他家過周末，并且送你小禮。”

這位游客十分吃驚：“多長時間發(fā)生一次。”

“嗯，對我而言從沒有過。不過對我姐姐來說，有很多。”

21.I Am Acting like a Lady

One day when women'.dresses were on sale at the Far East Department Store, a dignified middle aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.

He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd.

"You there."challenged a thrill voice."Can't you act like a gentleman."

"Listen."he said."I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."

表現(xiàn)得像女士

有一天，遠東百貨商場的女裝大減價，一個體面的中年男士決定給太太買一件衣服，但是，他很快被瘋狂購物的女士們撞得左搖右擺。

他一直都忍著。后來，他低下頭，揮動雙臂，擠過人群。

“干。”有人尖叫，“你不能表現(xiàn)得紳士一。”

“聽。”男士說，“我表現(xiàn)得像紳士已經有一個小時了，現(xiàn)在，我要表現(xiàn)得像位女。”

22.An Audition

My battery commander and I were interviewing candidates for a position as reconnoissance sergeant in our artillery unit.

The selected soldier needed to have keen eyesight, plus the ability to react quickly.

During one interview, the commander pointed to a hill about a mile away and asked a young sergeant."Can you see that hill over there."

"Yes, sir."he replied.

"Can you see the radio antenna on that hill."

Again, the soldier said that he could.

"Well, then,"the commander went on."Can you see the bird sitting on the antenna."

The sergeant leaned forward and squinted."No, sir,"he said."but I can hear it singing."He got the job.

面試

我和炮兵連連長對炮兵偵察軍士候選人進行面試，被選中的士兵需要有敏銳的視覺和機智的反應能力。

在一次面試時，連長指著一英里開外的一座小山問那個年輕軍士：“你能看見遠處那座小山。”

“能，長。”年輕人答道。

“你能看見那座小山上的無線電天線。”

年輕人再次表示他能看見。

“那。”連長接著說，“你能看到落在天線上的那只小鳥。”

士兵向前探著身子瞇起眼睛，說：“不能，長官，但我能聽到小鳥在唱。”

于是，他得到了那份工作。

23.The Cat and the Saucer

An antique collector was passing a small shop when he noticed a cat on the sidewalk in front, licking milk from a saucer. The man immediately realized the saucer was very old and valuable. He stepped into the shop with an uninterested look and asked to buy the cat."I'.sorry."the shop owner said."but the cat is not for sale."

"Please,"the collector urged."I need a cat around my house to catch mice. I'.l give you 20 dollars."

"The cat is yours."the owner said and took the money.

"Listen,"the collector added."I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer as well？ The cat seems to like it and I'.hate to have him give it up."

"Sorry,"the shop owner answered."but that saucer brings me luck. Why, just this week I'.e sold 59 cats."

貓與托盤

一個古董收藏人路過一個小店的時候，發(fā)現(xiàn)店前人行道上一只貓在舔一只托盤上的牛奶，他立刻意識到這個托盤是個值錢的古物。他帶著一種毫無興趣的表情步入店內要買那只貓。“對不。”店主說，“這只貓是不賣。”

“求你。”收藏人堅持道，“我家需要一只貓來捉老鼠。我給你二十美。”

“貓歸你。”店主接過錢說道。

“還。”收藏人補充道，“我想你是否能把那只舊盤子也額外贈送給我。貓好像很喜歡它，我不愿意看到它失去這東。”

“對不。”店主回答說，“那只托盤能給我?guī)砗眠\。你不知道，光這一周，我就賣掉五十九只。”

24.Get Out of Here

An elderly gentleman was hiring a house boy to take care of household chores. During the interview, the employer asked."What work can you do."

"Everything. If you happen to break your leg, I can help you to bed. When you seriously sick, I can go to the drug store and buy medicines for you. In case you die, I can buy a coffin for you. I know how to dig a hole in the cemetery and bury you, too."The fellow rattled on. On hearing this, the old man blew his top."Get out of here! I have never seen such an untactful person. I don't want you to work for me."

"Working for you."The would‐be employee snapped back."Fat chance! Look, you haven't even got a back door. Suppose your front door was on fire, how could I escape to save my life."

你給我滾出去

一位老人想要雇傭一名男仆來幫忙處理家務。面試時，老人問道：“你都會干什么活。”

“我什么活都會干。你要是摔斷了腿，我可以扶你上床。你要是病得厲害，我可以去藥店給你買藥。萬一你死了，我還可以為你買棺材。我還知道怎樣在墓地挖個坑把你埋。”這家伙滔滔不絕地說個沒完。聽了這些，老人大發(fā)雷霆：“快給我滾出去！我從來沒見過這么不會說話的人。我可不想讓這樣的人給我干。”

“為你干。”這個應聘者反擊道，“門兒都沒有！你看你這兒連個后門都沒有，萬一前門失火了，我該怎么逃命。”

25.Did That Take You an Hour？

A clerk who worked very hard and was usually very punctual arrived at his office very late one morning. He had bruises on his face, a scratch on one of his lips, sticking‐plaster on his left wrist and thumb, and a bandage on his right shoulder. He had also hurt his knee, ankles and some of his toes.

The manager of the office was not a patient man, and he had been waiting for the clerk, because he had some work to give him. When he saw him come in at last, he said angrily."You'.e an hour late, Tom Kins."

"I know, sir."answered the clerk politely."I'.very sorry. My flat is in the eighth floor, and just before I left home this morning, while I was closing one of the windows, I slipped and fell out."

"Well."the manager answered coldly."did that take you an hour."

這花了你一個小時？

一天早上，一個工作很賣力、通常都十分準時的職員很晚才到辦公室。他的臉上青一塊紫一塊的，嘴唇劃破了皮，左手腕和大拇指貼了膏藥，右肩上還纏著一條繃帶。他的膝蓋、腳踝和一些腳趾頭也都受了傷。

公司的經理不是個有耐心的人，他一直在等這個職員，因為他有一些工作要交給他做。當他總算看到這個職員走進來時，就火冒三丈地說：“你遲到了一個小時，湯姆·金。”

“我知道，先。”那個職員彬彬有禮地回答說。“我很抱歉。我的房子在八樓，今天早上就在我離家前去關一扇窗戶的時候，我滑倒了，并摔了出。”

“。”經理冷冷地說，“難道這一摔要花上你一個小時。”

26.Hair‐Cutting

Isaac went to barber'.shop and had his hair cut, but when he came out, he was not happy with the result, and when his friend George saw him, he laughed and said."What happened to your hair, Mark."

Isaac said."I tried a new barber'.shop today because I wasn't at all satisfied with my old one, but this one seems even worse."

George agreed."Yes, I think you'.e right, Isaac. Now I'.l tell you what to do next time you go into a barber'.shop: look at the barbers'.air, and then go to the one whose own hair has been cut the worst."

"The one whose hair'.been cut the worst."Isaac repeated."But that would be foolish.""Oh, no, it wouldn't."answered George."Who do you think cut that man'.hair？ He couldn't cut himself, couldn't he？ Another of the barbers cut it and he must have been a worse barber than the one whose hair he cut."

理發(fā)

艾薩克去一家理發(fā)店理發(fā)，可當他出來時，對自己的發(fā)型很不滿意。他的朋友喬治見到他時，笑著說：“艾薩克，你的頭發(fā)怎么。”

艾薩克說：“因為對以前那家理發(fā)店不滿意，今天我試了一家新理發(fā)店，可這家似乎更。”

喬治附和道：“沒錯，艾薩克，我覺得你說得很對。現(xiàn)在我告訴你下次去理發(fā)店時該怎么辦：看看所有理發(fā)師的頭發(fā)，然后去找那個發(fā)型最糟的理發(fā)。”

“發(fā)型最糟的理發(fā)。”艾薩克重復道，“那也未免太愚蠢了。”

“哦，那可未。”喬治回答，“你想是誰給他剪的頭發(fā)？他不可能自己剪，對吧？一定是其他理發(fā)師給他剪的，而且給他剪頭發(fā)的人肯定比他本人更。”

27.What If...

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad.

The inspector decides to give Tom a quiz, askings."What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track."

Tom says."I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke."asks the inspector.

"I'.run down to the tracks and use my manual lever."answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning."challenges the inspector.

"Then,"Tom continues."I'.run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy."

"In that case,"Tom argues."I'.run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."

"What if that had been vandalized."

"Oh, well,"says Tom."in that case I'.run back home and get my grandpa."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks."Why would you do that."

"Because he'.85 years of age but he never seen a train crash."

如果……咋辦？

湯姆正應聘當地鐵路信號員。

考官決定小小地測試一下湯姆，就問道：“發(fā)現(xiàn)同一軌道上兩輛列車對向開怎么辦。”

湯姆說：“我會用操縱桿讓其中一輛轉到另一個軌道上。”

“如果操縱桿斷了怎么。”考官問。

“我會跑到鐵軌上手動撬動鐵。”湯姆回答。

“如果手動桿被雷電擊中怎么。”考官挑戰(zhàn)湯姆。

“那。”湯姆繼續(xù)回答，“我會跑上去到這里打電話告訴第二個信號。”

“如果電話占線怎么。”

“如果是那。”湯姆爭辯，“我會跑到附近街上打公用電。”

“如果公用電話壞了怎么。”

“哦，好。”湯姆說，“我就跑回家叫爺爺過。”

這個回答讓考官不得其解，考官問：“為什么那樣做。”

“他老人家活了八十五歲了還沒有見過火車相撞。”

28.Charitable Lawyer

A man doing telephone solicitations for a local charity called up a prominent and wealthy lawyer and asked him for a modest donation.

The lawyer became incensed at the request and said to his caller,"I bet you weren't aware that just this past week my wife required major surgery and the expenses for this surgery weren't covered by insurance."

The caller started to apologize and express his regret for having asked for money and was interrupted by the lawyer who chimed in,"And this past month my mother died and my family had to put together an expensive funeral for her."

Again the caller tried to apologize to the lawyer for attempting to solicit a donation and told the lawyer he was sorry to hear that his mother had died.

"Then just this past month, one of my sons came down with a serious illness and almost died...and my daughter needed plastic surgery to repair a congenital defect on her face."the lawyer added to the conversation.

The caller again felt bad and regretted having bothered the lawyer for taking up his time and apologized to him.

The lawyer then responded."And if I didn't give any of these people my money, why should I give some to you."

行善的律師

一個為當地慈善機構做電話籌資的男人打電話給一個有名且有錢的律師，希望他能捐獻一點兒錢。

律師對這個要求感到憤怒，對打電話的人說：“我敢打賭你還不知道就在上周我的妻子做了一個較大的手術，而手術的費用并沒有算在保險費。”

打電話的人向他道歉，并對要求捐錢的舉動表示懊悔，還沒說完，律師就插話進來：“上個月我的母親去世了，我家人必須為她籌錢辦一個昂貴的葬。”

打電話的人再次試圖為他剛才打算尋求捐款的舉動向律師道歉，告訴律師他為他媽媽的死感到惋惜。

“也是在上個月，我的一個兒子患了很重的病，差點死掉……還有我的女兒需要做整容手術來修補她臉上天生的缺。”律師又補充道。

打電話的人感到非常抱歉，后悔打擾了律師并向他道歉。

律師回答說：“如果我連這些人都不給錢，為什么我要給你。”

29.The Witness

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial. He approached her and asked."Mrs. Warner, do you know me."

She responded."Oh, yes, I do know you, Mr, Williams. I'.e known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you'.e been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you'.e a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two‐bit paper pusher. Yes. I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked."Mrs. Warner, do you know the defense attorney."

She again replied."Oh, yes I do. I'.e known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, used to babysit him for his parents. And he also has been a real disappointment to me. He'.lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.Yes. I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace."If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'.l be jailed for contempt."

見證人

一個小鎮(zhèn)上，檢察官傳喚他第一個證人上庭。他走近她問道：“華納夫人，你知道我是誰。”

她回答：“當然。我認識你，威廉姆斯先生。從你是個小孩的時候我就認識你了。坦白地說，我真對你失望。你撒謊，你欺騙你妻子，你玩弄人，在背后講別人壞話。你以為你是一個大人物，你這沒腦子的家伙，你完全沒意識到你其實連一個賣兩毛五分錢一張報紙的推銷員還不如。是的，我認識。”

律師大吃一驚。不知道如何是好，他只得向房間那邊一指，問：“華納夫人，你認識被告律師。”

她再次回答說：“當然，我認識。布拉德利先生是個小孩子時我就認識他了。我曾經做過他的保姆，他也讓我非常失望。他又懶又頑固，還酗酒。這家伙無法同別人建立一個正常的關系，在整個州他的律師事業(yè)可說是最糟糕的。是的，我認識。”

這時，法官敲小木槌讓法庭保持肅靜，把那兩個律師叫到跟前，他低聲威脅道：“如果你們有誰問她是否認識我，就會以藐視法庭罪收。”

30.The Best Salesman in the World

Harry saw an ad in a window. It said."Wanted. The Best Salesman in the World. Top Pay."

"I'.a great salesman."Harry told himself,"I can sell anything. I'.l go in and ask for that job."

He went into the building and spoke to the manager.

"I'.the best salesman in the world."he said."Give me the job."

"You must prove you'.e the best."the manager said.

"I'.l pass every test you give me."Harry told him.

"Good."

The manager took a box of candy out of his desk.

"Last week, I bought a thousand boxes of this candy. If you can sell them all before the end of the week, you can have the job."

"That'.easy."Harry said.

He took the box of candy and left the office.

Every day and all day, he went from shop to shop, trying to sell a thousand boxes of the candy.

He couldn't sell one.

The candy was so bad; he couldn't even give it away.

At the end of the week he went back to the manager.

"I'.sorry sir."he said."I was wrong about myself, I'.not the best salesman in the world, but I know who is."

"Oh."said the manager."who."

"The person who sold you a thousand boxes of this candy." Harry said.

世界上最好的銷售員

哈里在櫥窗上看到一則廣告，上面寫著：招聘世界上最好的銷售員，報酬優(yōu)厚。

“我是一名了不起的銷售。”哈里自言自語，“任何東西我都能賣出去，我要進去應聘這份工。”

他走進大樓去和經理談這件事。

“我是世界上最好的銷售。”他說，“把這份工作給我。”

“你必須證明你是最好。”經理說。

“我會通過你給我的每一項測試。”哈里告訴他。

“。”

經理從桌子里取出一盒糖果。

“我上星期買了一千盒這種糖果，如果你能在周未之前把這些全賣出去，你就能得到這份工。”

“那很簡。”哈里說。

他拿著這盒糖果離開了辦公室。

每天從早到晚，他從這家店走到那家店，竭力想賣出一千盒糖果。

結果他一盒都沒賣出去。

糖果質量太差，以至于白送都沒人要。

周末他回去見經理。

“很抱歉，先。”他說，“我錯了，我不是世界上最好的銷售員，但我知道誰是最好。”

“。”經理問，“是。”

“就是把這一千盒糖果賣給你的。”哈里說。

31.You Believe a Donkey

Most of Aidan'.neighbors were pleasant people, who were always ready to help each when they were in trouble. But there was one woman who lived in his street and was disliked by everybody because she was always borrowing things from people and then forgetting to give them back.

Early one morning, Aidan heard a knock at his front door, and, when he opened it, found this woman outside.

"Good morning, Aidan."she said."I have to take some thing to my sister'.house in the town today, and I have not got a donkey, as you know.Will you lend me yours？ I will bring it back this evening."

"I am sorry."answered Aidan."If my donkey was here, I would of course lend it to you willingly, but it is not."

"Oh."said the woman."It was here last night, because I saw it behind your house. Where is it now."

"My wife took it into town early this morning."answered Aidan.

Just then the donkey brayed loudly."You are not telling the truth."the woman said angrily."I can hear your donkey. You should be ashamed of yourself, telling lies to your neighbor."

"You are the one who should be ashamed, not me."shouted Aidan."You believe a donkey'.word rather than that of your neighbor."

相信驢的話

艾丹的大多數鄰居都很友善，在彼此有困難的時候都會相互幫助。但艾丹居住的那條街上，也有個人人都很討厭的女人，因為她總是向別人借東西但卻忘記歸還。

一天早上，艾丹聽到有人敲前門，打開門發(fā)現(xiàn)外面正是那個女人。

“早上好，艾。”她說，“今天我要把一些東西送到鎮(zhèn)上妹妹家，你知道，我沒有驢，你能把驢借給我嗎？我今晚就還給。”

“很抱。”艾丹回答道，“如果驢在的話，我當然愿意借給你，但驢不。”

“。”那女人說道，“昨晚驢還在這兒呢，因為我看到它在你的房子后面。它去哪兒。”

“我老婆今天一大早就帶它進城。”艾丹回答道。

就在那時，驢大聲叫了起來。“你不講真。”這個女人生氣地說道，“我聽見你的驢叫了。對鄰居撒謊，你真該為自己的行為感到羞。”

“應該感到羞愧的人是你，不是。”艾丹喊道，“你寧可相信驢的話也不相信鄰居的。”

32.An Englishman and a French Barber

An Englishman, coming from Dover, had no sooner landed in Calais than he want to a barber to get himself shaved."Sir,"said the islander."I am very nervous and mortally dread being cut when I am shaved. Here is a guinea for you if you do not cut me, and here a pistol with which I will blow out your brains if you cut me. Do you accept these conditions.""Yes, my lord, fear nothing."

And he shaved him without accident. The Englishman, much pleased, handed him the guinea, saying."Has not the pistol frightened you a little.""Not at all,"answered the barber."for if, perchance, had cut the skin, I would have finished you by cutting you throat."

英國人和法國理發(fā)師

一位來自多佛爾的英國人剛在加萊上岸，想讓一個理發(fā)師幫他刮臉。“先。”這個英國人說道，“我在刮臉時非常緊張而且非常害怕臉被刮破。如果你沒有把我的臉刮破，這個金幣就歸你了，如果刮破了，我就用這把手槍把你的腦袋打爆。你接受這些條件。”“是的，閣下，沒什么可怕。”

他不出任何差錯地幫他刮了臉。這個英國人很欣慰，把金幣遞給他說道：“這支手槍有沒有嚇到。”“一點兒也沒。”理發(fā)師回答，“如果萬一我把你的皮膚刮破了，我最后就會連你的喉嚨一起割。”