第4章 做自己想做的人(4)
Deaths, old age, are words without a meaning. That passes by us like the idea air which we regard not.Others may have undergone, or may still be liable to them—we "bear a charmed life", which laughs to scorn all such sickly fancies.As in setting out on delightful journey, we strain our eager gaze forward—
Bidding the lovely scenes at distance hail!
年輕人不相信自己會(huì)死。這是我哥哥的話,可以算得一句妙語(yǔ)。青春有一種永生之感——它能彌補(bǔ)一切。人在青年時(shí)代好像一尊永生的神明。誠(chéng)然,生命的一半已消逝,但蘊(yùn)藏著無(wú)盡財(cái)富的另一半還有所保留,我們對(duì)它也抱著無(wú)窮的希望和幻想。未來(lái)的時(shí)代完全屬于我們——
無(wú)限遼闊的遠(yuǎn)景在我們面前展現(xiàn)。
死亡,老年,不過(guò)是空話,毫無(wú)意義;我們聽(tīng)了,只當(dāng)做耳邊風(fēng),全不放在心上。這些事,別人也許經(jīng)歷過(guò),或者可能要承受,但是我們自己,“在靈符護(hù)佑下度日”,對(duì)于諸如此類脆弱的念頭,統(tǒng)統(tǒng)付之輕蔑的一笑。像是剛剛走上愉快的旅程,極目遠(yuǎn)眺——
向遠(yuǎn)方的美景歡呼!
And see no end to the landscape, new objects presenting themselves as we advance;so, in the commencement of life, we set no bounds to our inclinations. Nor to the unrestricted opportunities of gratifying them.We have as yet found no obstacle, no disposition to flag;and it seems that we can go on so forever.We look round in a new world, full of life, and mo-tion, and ceaseless progress;and feel in ourselves all the vigor and spirit to keep pace with it, and do not foresee from any present symptoms how we shall be left behind in the natural course of things, decline into old age, and drop into the grave.It is the simplicity, and as it were abstractedness of our feelings in youth that (so to speak) i dentifies us with nature and (our experience being slight and our passions strong) d eludes us into a belief of being immortal like it.Our short-lives connection with existence we fond-ly flatter ourselves is an indissoluble and lasting union—a honeymoon that knows neither coldness, jar, nor separation.As infants smile and sleep, we are rocked in the cradle of our wayward fancies, and lulled into security by the roar of the universe around us0we quaff the cup of life with eager haste without draining it, instead of which it only overflows the more-objects press around us, filling the mind with their magnitude and with the strong of desires that wait upon them, so that we have no room for the thoughts of death.
此時(shí),但覺(jué)好風(fēng)光應(yīng)接不暇,而且,前程更有美不勝收的新鮮景致。在這生活的開端,我們聽(tīng)任自己的志趣馳騁,放手給它們一切滿足的機(jī)會(huì)。到此為止,我們還沒(méi)有碰到過(guò)什么障礙,也沒(méi)有感覺(jué)到什么疲憊,因此覺(jué)得還可以一直這樣向前走去,直到永遠(yuǎn)。我們看到四周一派新天地——生機(jī)盎然,變動(dòng)不居,日新月異;我們覺(jué)得自己活力充盈,精神飽滿,可與宇宙并駕齊驅(qū)。而且,眼前也無(wú)任何跡象可以證明,在大自然的發(fā)展過(guò)程中,我們自己也會(huì)落伍,衰老,進(jìn)入墳?zāi)?。由于年輕人天真單純,可以說(shuō)是茫然無(wú)知,因而將自己跟大自然畫上等號(hào);并且,由于經(jīng)驗(yàn)少而感情豐富,誤以為自己也能和大自然一樣永世長(zhǎng)存。我們一相情愿,癡心妄想,竟把自己在世上的暫時(shí)棲身,當(dāng)作千古不變、萬(wàn)事長(zhǎng)存的結(jié)合,好像沒(méi)有冷淡、爭(zhēng)執(zhí)、離別的蜜月。像嬰兒帶著微笑入睡,我們躺在用自己編織成的搖籃里,讓大千世界的萬(wàn)籟之聲催哄我們安然入夢(mèng);我們急切切、興沖沖地暢飲生命之杯,怎么也不會(huì)飲完,反而好像永遠(yuǎn)滿滿欲溢;森羅萬(wàn)象紛至沓來(lái),各種欲望隨之而生,使我們騰不出工夫想死亡。
讓昨日隨風(fēng)
Letting Go Of Yesterday
On Saturday, February 12 two thousand, two things happened that changed everything in my life. The first was that on this day my baby sis-ter was married.She was twenty-six this day, and yet to me she was still my baby sister.I suppose that I pictured her as a little girl, and treated her like one in order to hold onto and preserve my own youth.Until I saw her in her wedding dress I still had a vision of her with chubby little cheeks and long, dark-brown pigtails blowing in the wind, perhaps even a perma-nent smudge of chocolate around her pink lips.I guess it's true that you see only what you want to see.Where did this beautiful woman with the glowing complexion and gentle curves come from?
I was happy that day, and also sad. Gone were the days of me bossing her around and telling her what she should do with her life.My bossy be-havior had earned me the nickname Lucy.If you are a Peanuts fan then you can clearly imagine my behavior as an older sister.To me it wasn't an insult;I rather like the nickname Lucy.I happen to think that Lucy is strong and has incredible self-confidence, although she is a little overbear-ing at times.I did my best to live up to the standards set forth by this dy-namic cartoon character.
I left the reception to get some air because suddenly I was overcome with grief at the realization that I was no longer a child. I went outside and walked to a nearby playground where there were children playing on the slide, the swings and digging in the dirt.There was a little girl twirling around on a bar, one knee wrapped tightly around the bar and fashioned behind her knee.It was all I could do to sit there and just watch, for I too wanted to get on that bar with her and see if I could still hold the all-timetwirling record (ninety-nine times in fifth grade).Somewhere inside I knew that I would break my neck, and I was wearing a bridesmaid dress.Not exactly play ground material.And so I sat watching the children play.I'm not sure how long I sat there before my sister came and joined me.We talked about how we are grown up now and shed a few tears for our childhood days gone by.As she wiped a tear from my eye she lovingly said, "You'll always be Lucy to me." We hugged.
2000年2月12日,星期六,那天發(fā)生的兩件事改變了我此后的生活。第一件是小妹妹那天結(jié)婚了。當(dāng)時(shí)她已經(jīng)26歲了,但對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō),她還是我的小妹妹。我總是把她看做小女孩,也把她當(dāng)一個(gè)小女孩來(lái)對(duì)待。我想這是因?yàn)槲蚁Mㄟ^(guò)這種方式來(lái)永葆青春。直到看到她身著婚紗的那一刻,浮現(xiàn)在我腦海里的還是那個(gè)小圓臉蛋,長(zhǎng)長(zhǎng)的褐色馬尾巴在風(fēng)中擺動(dòng)的小女孩;也許還有一塊巧克力總是粘在她那粉紅色的嘴唇上。我想人總是看見(jiàn)自己想看的東西。眼前這位容光煥發(fā)、線條優(yōu)美的女人是誰(shuí)呢?
那天我既高興又傷心。過(guò)去我對(duì)她呼來(lái)喚去,告訴她生活應(yīng)該怎樣過(guò)的日子已經(jīng)一去不回了。因?yàn)楠?dú)斷蠻橫,我得到了“露西”這個(gè)外號(hào)。如果你也喜歡看《花生》這部動(dòng)畫片,那你一定可以想象我作為一個(gè)大姐姐的樣子。我不覺(jué)得這個(gè)外號(hào)是一種侮辱,反倒很喜歡它。我有時(shí)還想,強(qiáng)大的露西自信得令人難以置信,雖然她有時(shí)也讓人難以忍受。所以,我努力向這個(gè)生氣勃勃的卡通形象看齊。
我離開了婚禮現(xiàn)場(chǎng),到外面去呼吸些新鮮空氣。我突然傷感不已,因?yàn)樽约阂呀?jīng)不再是個(gè)孩子了。我走到外面,來(lái)到附近的一個(gè)運(yùn)動(dòng)場(chǎng)邊,小孩子正在那里玩滑梯、蕩秋千、玩泥沙。有個(gè)小女孩正在一個(gè)杠上快速地轉(zhuǎn)動(dòng),一條腿緊緊地鉤在杠上。而我所能做的只是坐在那里看看,我也想跟她一起玩,看看能否再重現(xiàn)當(dāng)年自己轉(zhuǎn)圈的最高紀(jì)錄(五年級(jí)時(shí)一次達(dá)到99次)。但我很清楚,這樣我可能會(huì)扭斷脖子。再說(shuō)我正穿著伴娘服,不適合運(yùn)動(dòng)。于是我只好坐在那里看孩子們玩耍。不知過(guò)了多久,妹妹來(lái)到我身邊。我們談起自己已經(jīng)長(zhǎng)大了,并為逝去的孩童時(shí)光流下了淚。她替我擦干眼淚,充滿愛(ài)意地說(shuō):“你永遠(yuǎn)都是我的露西?!蔽覀儞肀г诹艘黄?。